Hope of Peggy

2010-02-22T07:09:00.000-08:00

I don't have the real pictures back yet. We are having so much fun. More of an adjustment then I thought. Just the sharing of space and figuring out where and what to keep. We had a beautiful shower with the church yesterday. It was so fun. My girlfriend sold her bedroom suite with a king bed set. I am loving setting up house, feeling like a newly wed.

Lillian is so precious. Glenn and I get to keep her on Friday nights while they both work. We had a great time with her. I am off to take things back and return things. Monday is my alone day. I don't go to work till 3:30. Then I work till 10 or so. Nice to have a day to myself. I can't wait to share the pictures with you.

2010-02-13T18:27:00.000-08:00

We rented a jeep for the day. The other side of the island is so different. Lava rocks that the water shoots up through, we drove all day and just stopped at new beaches. One little road goes all around the island. Then we went down town. We have enjoyed each other so much. I would only wish we had a few more days. It goes so fast and now we are talking of what we need to do when we ghet home. I am excited for Glenn to get to stay and us not go back and forth. For Glenn not to be staying in my bed cause he is so big and me in Samuels room or MOllie and I staying together. I liked that part. ALso I love Samuels room. You know what I mean to get to got to bed with him and wake up and him be there. For us to start planning things we wnat to o together. WHn I am home I will put up some great pictures.

2010-02-09T22:11:00.000-08:00

The wedding was perfect. It could not have been better for me. I keep reliving it all in my mind. Glenn and I are now at a gorgeous resort on Cozumel Island. Glenn has never been to the ocean nor has he been out of the country. He is loving it. It's an all inclusive place so we never think of oh we need to go out and find dinner. The beach is perfect. This morning we had a massage on the beach. Glenn had never had a massage so I think I enjoyed that more then my actual massage. He thought that was the coolest thing.

The only bad thing is that when I had my toes done on the wedding day my foot got cut by the lady. It killed me the evening when dancing. Now it is seeming to be worse. Yulk. Hard to keep a bandage on and clean. I am trying.

Tomorrow we are going on an ATV ride. I want to rent a scooter It's like 35 dollars for the day, There is only one road around the island I am telling Glenn I know that we won't get lost. Everyone is wondering what things have we learned about each other, he is not very fond of the ocean yet. Laying on the beach today he asked if there were sharks near here. I so wanted to lye and say of course not, they aren't in this part of the ocean. No snorkeling yet. He loves the pool.

He looked so handsome in his ca khi's and button down.

It seems like he is grasping that I don't require sleep like him and I like to go. I lay there in bed as quiet as i can. We crashed early tonight and I had to get up and do something. So here I am catching you up on my beautiful journey. I will say I wish so bad that both our children were all here. We would still have such fun just the two of us but both of us would love to enjoy watching them. You hate to get to experience something so wonderful, and not get to share it.

I looked at my dress hanging the next morning and thought oh no I wore it already, pooh. I wanted to relive it all again.

love to all of you. I tried tonight to get my pictures off the camera onto this computer but couldnt get it done. I am going to get help later in the day.

2009-12-16T05:33:00.000-08:00

The hospital pictures are so precious. Donna I wanted you to get to look at them.

www.bellababyphotography.com

Then the password is 1213lillianhope

I just can't stand it I like her so much. Cara is doing a great job. I think her milk should be in anytime. The look of love in Michaels eyes are so tender. I am so crazy that I think I am in just do mode. I have so much hair to do. I am thankful that I love it and can work so well under pressure. I don't really get to think Christmas till the 24th. People are calling and saying they need in. Right. Like that would work. I think it has caught most off guard. Sorta snuck up on us. I have been taking appt since Sept Oct for the Christmas time. End of Jan beginning of Feb is my slowest months. Perfect for a wedding. I will think of that after the new year. I am very excited to get to marry him.

If you have any great ideas for all inclusive vacation places let me know 314-452-5552 We don't really care where just so ew get to be with each other for a week. Beach and warm.

Enjoy the holiday and remember what is the reason for the season. It is eay for me to put that aside.

I wish could help with the baby more but will be able to after the trip to Houston. Mol, Glenn and I did go by last night.

2009-12-13T16:17:00.000-08:00

Lillian Grace 16 lb. 15 oz. It was so incredible. Michael and I cried at the fact that Mike was not there. He would have been so proud of him. Michael and Cara did such a great job. Glenn went with me. He is so supportive. He will be the only grandpa Lillian has. He has been waiting on pins and needles with me. Feels so blessed to be a part of all of it. Takes it so serious, getting me there and waiting the whole time with me. I am very grateful for him. I am exhausted, I am a grandma which is mind boggling, how on earth can that be true. I am feeling like a young women getting ready to be married. I am so thrilled that I am one though. Mollie and I were just here thinking how is this true.

Here is their address, I was asked to put it in the blog. Cara Shuff is the moms name.

Michael Hope

6447 Alamo apt 2e

Clayton, mo 63105

Samuel gets home from school on the 16th, I know he is eager to see his little niece.

I am in awe of Gods wonder. Truly you see his majesty there.

I am on cloud nine. Cara did a fabulous job, thankful for how well she took care of heself.

Make a great day. What a perfect Christmas for the Hope's

2009-12-10T05:51:00.000-08:00

We are eagerly waiting our baby to come. If Cara doesn't go into labor by Saturday they are going to induce her. I am so excited to meet this little person. Michael is absolutely darling to watch with the soft clothes and getting the babies room ready.

I am making wedding plans, some great friends have been so helpful, I was struggling with getting comfortable with where it is and feeling great about getting to have things I want, not just settling and getting on with it. Debbie even asked me "what words do you think of when you see the wedding" wow hadn't even thought of any, just getting married. I now am so pumped about what can be done with the place. I am just as excited about all the cousins coming and my two sisters are going to come the week before and help. Sharon, Harold and Fred will be coming, it will be awesome.

Hope you are enjoying the holiday hub bub.

The wind has been like 45 to 50 with freezing temperatures, now that has been really yulky to me. I haven't started shopping, well I did get mollie something and then she saw it.

I am having Glenns mom and step father and son over for dinner tonight. Brandon hasn't met Matt yet. I can't believe I get another son. He is a really sweet guy. 19 going to college. I was just glad Glenn didn't have a girl. I don't think that would have worked really well. Mollie can so take another brother, don't know how a sister would have gone.

Love to you.

2009-11-12T05:19:00.000-08:00

Donna, I still can't get my email up. I have struggled not being able to communicate with you. Grateful Mary Beth has written to you for me. I love you and look so forward to Glenn getting to know you and Ed and the kids.

Good morning, much has been going on. The crazies and the great. My computer and internet has been on the blink. It makes me nuts because Mollie's is working.

I had tension with a lump I found on my right breast, when I went in they were concerned with the left. Much testing done the then the procedures to have done on each breast. Also I have a tumor on the adrenal gland. Anyway all is good. Praise, by personality I think all the way through to the worst scenario then resolve with God ok I know you can help me do this so ok. Then I back back up to the today. The journey in my mind was exhausting. For the kids I know it was tough. They were awesome. So laying on the sofa Tues before the procedures Glenn kneels down and says sweet things, He usually does so I didn't right off get what he was doing. He said if the tests come out negative he wouldn't want me to ever wonder would he have asked me if they had been positive. He asked me to marry him. Boobs or no boobs, cancer or no cancer he was in for our lives. I said yes cried and was so very grateful that GOd had given to him to me.

He is an incredible man. Harold, Sharon and Fred like him, for that I was then at peace about. The big guys said they were really happy for me congrats and that he is a good man. Mollie has struggled. Samuel hasn't said much. I can't imagine what they are going through to see me with him. Glenn is the one who keeps reminding me how hurt MOllie is for a man to be in our house. He has such a tender heart.

I will tell a funny, Fred asked me if I had Really told Glenn about me. I said I tried and that he is just too in love and can't hear. Fred said maybe I should talk to him. I said no way I didn't need any favors. He was talking about my energy etc. I sure other things also. I laughed so hard.

Glen and I took tests on the computer that our pre-marriage counselor sent us. It took literally a few hours to fill out. We each did it on our own and then send it in. We were like rock stars even our counselor was amazed. Now our counselor is a friend of MIke and mine for more then twenty five years. Every once in while I see his eyes twinkle with laughter that Glenn has not idea what he is getting into. He has not been married for a very long time. He has one son who lives with his mother he is 19 and a great guy. We meet with Steve after our bible study on Wed nights for an hour, I am so thankful for this time. To work on our marriage is so important to me. I am really scared have anxiety every once in a while like I cant believe I am doing this. It is so different choosing a mate in the later years. I want someone to grow old with like the same things and who wants to love grand-babies (did It again I am to be a Nanna in like 4 weeks) He has his own big vegetable garden knows how to can, cooks and can fix anything. (ok he reads manuals) He loves to talk and tell stories, and is a wonderful servant. He is a union welder and will have to commute 45 minutes. He has worked with this company for 21 years.

We are getting married the 6th of February. 12 weeks away. I thought we should just go to the justice of the peace. He said he wanted me to come down the isle to him. Also thought it is good for the kids to see us have this so special, its all special and a commitment no matter what your age. Hasn't taken me long to get on board I love a good party. Both of our families will make a good evening. I texted Jesse my nephew and he wrote me back that he was so happy for me and it would have to be something huge for him not to be there. I will love all of them also seeing Michael's baby. He and Cara are doing really well. I adore Glenn's mom. Her faith reminds me of my mother so much. It is so good for me to be around her. I miss Mom Hope so much and my mother has been gone for so long. I like her husband of 31 years also. Glenn's dad live just two blocks from his house. The work on things together and have a good relationship. His dad taught him how to fix so many things. If it is fixable why ever get a new one. (clearly that will be a problem with us) but workable.

Don't know what else to say, I am very happy and so in love, I wonder how in the world I get to be in love twice. That GOd would give me someone so wonderful for the first 25 years of life and now I get to start a new life with another great man. I just say thank you and don't have to get why I am so blessed.

Kiss hug love on those you love, I am continually reminded how precious life is.

Brandon was at the restaurant he works at when a man had a hear attack, it was absolutely horrible, Brandon said he so know what it looks like for life to leave a person and he said he knew right when it happened. People tried to revive him. He was dead when ambulance got there. Bless their hearts. Michael was there too. They are both going to go and learn cpr. They felt like if people had known how to do it right maybe he would have lived. All of that going on when I was waiting.

We are constantly being reminded that life if so very fragile.

I am so grateful for you friends that have been on this journey of life and death and now love, thank you so much.

2009-10-28T05:35:00.000-07:00

Good morning, It has been forever since I wrote.

The walk for Mom Hope ALS was a couple of weekends ago. Glenn went with me. I am so blessed with family. Fred and Sharon Harold and the kids were so welcoming to Glenn. We had a great time. I can't even imagine how hard it was for them. It was such a bitter sweet for me.

Fred and Mary Beth came for Michael's shower last sat. I again am amazed at the church family. They lavished them with gifts. I pray still for my sons to see how great God is. I know it is through the body that they will.

Glenn goes with me to the Wed

bible study and we are really enjoying it. The group has great couples in it. New friends for me and new friends for him.

Samuel turns 19 on Fri. He is not coming home till the next weekend. I have never missed a birthday with him, makes a whole in the heart for sure. He is having toooo much fun.

All the kids have met Glenn, that was a journey within its self. Michael has been so grown up about everything. He is such a people person, has a way of making people feel so at ease. Haven't spent much time with Brandon lately. He has also been good. Samuel just met him once. Mollie has been warming to the idea. It is so hard for them, it is so hard for me.

I have been asked to post a picture of us. It is so hard to do. Like I am betraying Mike. Our minds go to so many places, I know without a doubt if Mike met Glenn he would love him and be so proud of me. I am thankful for all the conversations we had about me marrying some day. Fred has been the best. He talked to the boys and challenge them with how Mike had been clear that he wanted that for me. He said Peggy loves to be married and I want that for her. It helped so much. When Fred was here he and Glenn fixed my dryer and worked on some things. It was so helpful for me. He is a real handy man.

Ok here are the pictures.

2009-10-06T09:45:00.000-07:00

Fall is here I can't believe it. I feel like the summer just simply went away. The weather here is so gorgeous.

The two older boys are putting a blade for snow on a 4 wheeler to do snow removal this winter. They are working so hard at their business. They have Mikes work ethics, actually so many of his gifts I see in the children. Sometimes it is like watching him do something when I watch them.

I have the baby room up and going. I got a baby bed at a garage sale for $15, perfect find. I can't believe that in a short time we will have a little one. Cara has a semester I think to finish college, so I am trying to find a day that would be good to help with the baby. I would have to have a set day. So much change. I couldn't be more proud of Michael he is really taking care of things.

I don't hear from Samuel, I text and most of the time I get nothing back, Pooh. He might be coming home for the weekend.

Mollie is still not liking school but bless her heart she goes and does a great job at the academic part. I feel like she has been robbed of her little girl years and the silliness of high school.

My friend Glenn and I attend a bible study on Wed night and this week it is at my house. We are having dinner and fire pit. I am really looking forward to it.

Ok now my gripe secession. I work to thunder and pouring rain. What do I think when it rains, hurry go look at the gutters. First my car windows were down, darn. Then the gutters were running over, in my rob I went outside and in seconds was drenched, pooh. Came inside to vacuum and the vacuum was totally clogged, rats. Worked on that forever it seemed, fixed that, then tried to run the dish washer and it now won't close. I think the latch is broken. I thought I was going to have a melt down. I did cry a bit and then had to run car pool, when 2 blocks from school Mollie's IBS was in full throttle. I had to take her home and let her use the rest room and take some medicine. Then I ran to the grocery because I don't have the time today or tomorrow to get stuff for the dinner, I ran home and took her back to school. Blah, Blah Blah. You know the story if you are a mom. I had a client coming 15 minutes after I got back. Took a deep breath and turned out some beautiful color. Praise for that.

Psalms, 139: 7-10

Where could I go from your spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence? If I ascend into Heaven, you are there,, If I make my bed in hell,

Behold you are there, If I take the wings of the morning ad dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and the right hand shall hold me.

For that today I am very grateful.

I send hugs and kisses to you and an I love you.

2009-09-16T07:10:00.001-07:00

I feel like it is forever since I have written in this blog. The face book thing is just too overwhelming to me.
I have learned so much lately about grieving. It is hard to believe that we are having a harder time now then like 6 months ago. Anger seems to be the things now. All of us, well I don't know about Samuel.
He is doing really well at school. He came home labor day and it was so good to see him.
My business has picked up so that is so good. I am enjoying it so much. I went to a cutting class this last Sunday. I learned so much and loved it.
The months seem to be flying by. I find it hard to believe that the leaves are changing. My friend helped me to get the vegetable garden put to bed for winter. Sad to see it all go away.
I barter to go to my trainer and it is so good for me. I feel better then I have in years. Getting ready to carry a grand baby. Cara looks so good and is doing such a good job. It is so fun to see her grow and to know it is a little sweet pud-den in there.
To start Jan. turning 50 and then to end the year with a little baby how good is that. I do believe my mom she always said life begins at 50. We are planning on going to Donnas for Christmas. I am already looking forward to it.
I am still going dancing every Thursday. I like it so much. It is so good to just escape in the music. Line dancing is great, good exercise and such nice people. I like the old couples with the young people. Glenn is a great dancer and we have a blast. Good for me. It helps get me through the week.
Hope you are out and about enjoying the weather it is amazing right now. Did the fire pit with my neighbors (precious friends) on Sat, was so relaxing.
Make a great day!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-08-21T17:48:00.000-07:00

He is gone, Samuel says he likes the set up his room. I have even text-ed him and he has not went me one back. I got his room cleaned up and ready. Changed the bathroom down stairs to a girl bathroom. It looks good. It is a strained time for MOllie and I. Much change in our lives. It is hard for me the house is empty to me.
I enjoy dancing so much. I didn't realize how much I had missed dancing. I really enjoy dancing with Glenn. I really enjoy him, such a gentlemen. He reminds me actually of my father in law. Funny isn't that. He likes to read manuals and fix engines and whatever.
I am having a really good time. I had missed this so much, just enjoying someone. My family is not one that lets me talk to them about all this. I do understand it is just hard. I'd like to bring him to church but I don't think Mollie would appreciate that. In time I'm sure. Hope you are out enjoying this weather. Funny how God gives you what you need not necessarily what you thought you wanted. Kari said that to me.
I get to go out on a date tomorrow with just him dancing. I am so excited Ususally we are with lots of other people. Enjoy the day.

2009-08-19T05:48:00.000-07:00

Insanity has hit. Getting Samuel ready for school. He did the work I just put out the dollars, he really did do a great job. He has been such a delight to raise. I was thinking no driving tickets no wrecks, always made great grades, didn't miss curfew. Besides he is such a sweet person. For all that I have been so grateful.
I told him I thought check in day was the 19th he told me no it is the 18, are you sure, check for me? no it's the 18th. I moved all clients so I could take him on Tues, Samuel comes up two days ago and says oh by the way it is the 19th, maybe it got changed. I asked Michael to take him. Samuel didn't mind but I was sick to death. Cried and felt so sorry for myself.. Mollie reminded me and my friend Debbie that I should try. I decided even if I loose all clients it would be worth taking Samuel. I couldn't get a hold of some of them so Michael took him this morning. I had prayed about it and if it would be best for him to take him work it out. I think now as I was crying and holding Samuel, it is for the best. The two boys all up in the car with it loaded down, so ready.
Beore I could be so sad this am, I wanted to kill him, I have lost some weight and changed sizes and have not had clothes, I went and got some shirts and a skirt, They were all in the washer which he wanted to dry his bed spread, (that I am mad he is taking, he said they got it for me, but it matches the room and the shams, Pooh!) He put the bed spread in dryer with my clothes on high, I now have the tiniest shirts and shirt in the world. Like 3 or my old shirts and 5 new ones. Steam was pouring out of my brain. I did hold it together and went in the bathroom and cried. (did I tell you I am a little emotional)
I made Mollies bathroom girlie. Mary Beth had painted it when she was here, I had been saving some things to do while she was at school. Looked really cute.
I have still been going out with the guy I talked about before. I am really having fun and enjoy him so much as a person. He is a fabulous dancer so that is so fun for me.
Mollie is back in school and I think did pretty well for the first day considering how she felt about goingback.
Squeez hug and tell your loved ones that you do. When I saw them pull away today I thought you know you really could never see them again. Hold every moment.

2009-08-11T18:00:00.000-07:00

It has been so long since I have written. I don't even know where to start. I am grieving some. Hannah left yesterday. I waited outside for her to come out in her little lawyer outfits and say goodbye for the day. Then I found myself waiting for her to come home today. She was a precious roomie. I got so used to her being around.
I am getting Samuel ready to go to college next Tuesday. I can't believe he is leaving. I am so excited for him but am feeling a big loss.
Today was the craziest day ever. I am swamped with hair, because of school starting. It has been a slow summer, the economy has had clients coloring their own hair and going longer between hair cuts. I totally understand but strange. SO now I am buisy like crazy for a couple of weeks, and what did I do. I cut the biggest flap in my finger. My last cut on a head. It was with my chunking shears. They are new. An excuse for me. It is the biggest hole I have cut. Usually it is a clean cut this was a triangle flap. It made such since at the time now I am questioning it. I had a suture kit from when I took Michael to Haiti. I thought oh why not just put a couple of stitches in there to hole it together to stop the bleeding? My thinking is at the doctors they to the lidacaine shots that hurt so bad and costs like $150 for the urgent care. I could just make 4 to 6 holes an be done, Ok I did put 3 stitches in my finger and asked my client to tie the knots. I have gotten much grief but when I was doing it, it was perfectly since able. I had like 30 minutes till the next client came. It worked for the day, I used gloves when washing and it felt good till I got off. I went next door, he is a doctor and asked how I should care for it now. Someone had told me to soak it. He said no and said you know you aren't' supposed to do that to your self. I wanted to say ya like duh! He is a really nice guy and helped with advice. We will see tomorrow.
I just got done mowing the yard and am out on the porch. MOllie and Samuel are gone for the evening and it is so nice to just veg.
I will tell you that I have gone on a first date. A perfect first date with a wonderful gentlemen. A great way for me to have a first date. I was so proud of myself. I told all the kids, MIchael said he would be there when he picked me up and maybe the other boys. I told the guy, sorry I really don't know what to expect, but Michael was a perfect gentlemen. The man said he was glad that he would do that for me. (I will say I was a little anxious about all three of them there)
I had butterflies and was sorta sick to my stomach and thought I would back out right before. I did great and had a blast. Not my soul mate but a great time. Went 4 wheeling and the lake. I learned so much about myself. Much of what I did not like. GOd was teaching me yet again the areas that I need to grow in. I had to tell God ok couldn't I have just had a day I wasn't learning
charactor flaws.
I go every thursday to the country western place to dance. I love line dancing and I get such a kick out of all the old couples that are so precious. SO many ages of people, I like that.
I danced every week 3 or 4 times a week before I got married and MIke wasn't a dancer. His dad is a great dancer but he did not get that gene. I went and realized how much I love it. I really look forward to it. They teach free lessons on wed, I am going to go with a couple from church this wed. It is what I look forward to.
I am thinking of taking some classes for swing this fall at the adult education. I did put in a call to a guy that I babysat for when he was 2 on for a while and he does the swing. I asked him to teach me, if he will I will do that.
I keep thanking God for all he has done in my life these last two years. Such care he has taken of my family. I am eagerly awaiting my grand baby. Cara looks so good. She is so showing now. It is amazing that a little person, my person is growing in her. I pray for them in all the decisions that they are trying to make. Michael has such a precious heart. He called and asked how he was to register when it is a mistake that he made. He didn't say it just like that but I said oh my goodness there is a person in there that is who we are going to bless. Gods person. He is going to be a wonderful father. For that I am thankful,

Kiss hug all those that you love really we do not know when and if there will be a time that we get to again. I have learned that for sure. God is good all the time.

2009-07-23T11:24:00.000-07:00

Good day, I am in between clients and wanted to post how our anniversary day was. My friend brought dinner so we all just set and ate and enjoyed each other. I loved them all there. I went with Brandon's girlfriend Ashley to the country dancing place. Had a great time am planning on going tonight also, I just go while they do the teaching and they stay later. I love to two step. Ashley said oh look at me I am spinning. That is how I feel like a princess. I always have loved to dance. Mike's dad is a good dancer but Mike didn't seem to learn from him. Ha. He was really good when he learned. We just didn't have that kind of time when he was here. I hate that we missed that.
I made basil pesto this morning for Hannah's lunch and mine. Yummy.
Sharon and Mollie and I are going somewhere for our vacation. We are planning on driving straiht through to Deston. A quick trip Sharon has to be back and I don't have much time off. I am looking for a break for sure. Just like everyone. I saw some of the flowers start to come out that are the end flowers, I sorta got sad thinking of Mollie back in school and Samuel off to college. I will miss him so much, I know it is close but it is still gone. He is ready though and has so much to look forward to. Have a beautiful day.

2009-07-16T06:33:00.000-07:00

I have the best God story. Yesterday I was making a slide show of the last five years, just doing select all and then show. While I was doing hair I about fainted. I heard Mike's voice, I turned around to the longest video of Mike and three of the kids at the beach. It was after his chemo before his liver surgery. Playing in the sand, it started out where he had buried Mollie in the sadn and was just sitting there watching her trying to get out. So precious. She was just 12 and looked so happy about life. Had no idea what all was coming. The two lady's in the shop were perfect, we just stared.
Cara had flowers delivered today, they were here by 8, couldn'y have asked for a better start to a morning. Debbie is bringing dinner. I was struggling with getting to the store and all the kids and their girlfriends, hannah and trev, Hannah is extremely helpful. But now I just have to work today. I was so grateful to God for giving me the movie of Mike. You kept thinking oh now he will be home anytime. So weird our brain.
Hanny said she didn't know what to say, happy aniversary or sad aniversary. I sid happy for sure. I was so grateful he got to die. Today two years ago around 1:00 is when he died. Precious man, the love of my life.

2009-07-15T08:01:00.000-07:00

Michael and Cara are having an ultrasound today. I look forward to seeing the pictures, Praying for a healthy baby. Have a wonderful day.

2009-07-15T07:38:00.000-07:00

I cleaned my shop for like 3 hours. I felt like Mike had made it so gorgeous and I had let it get behind cleaning. It looks so great. I wiped down all the beautiful base board he had put in. It felt good, like a great thing to do to honor him. You keep thinking you don't want people to forget him. He is not talked about or his name said. Mollie felt the same, it is like he isn't thought about. I know people do, but it is just how you feel.
I work all day, and tonight Hannah and MOllie and I are going to the new Harry Potter movie. More pictures.

2009-07-14T06:29:00.000-07:00

Good morning. I took Mollie to work, she had wrecked her bike and it is in the shop. She said that last week was the best week of her life. She said she was sad I didn't get to do more with them. Before Mike died I would have been there most of the week. That makes me so sad. She said she wished I could have heard the stories of what God had done. She shares some. But it is not like being there. I keep thinking just keep going Peg it will be over soon. Really? No it won't be. I am missing him really bad. He would just love what I have done and the vegetable garden. He would have freaked to have me bring in fresh broccoli. Trying to see the good. If he would have been here I wouldn't have done all this. I would be doing the things I did as a wife, he would be working all the time and Iwouldn't have had time to do it. It would be just now in our lives that we would be doing the things we planned on. Just MOllie home, and the boys gone. No more games and running. I LOVED the running and games and kids here but now is the time that we planned on. I encourage you if you are at this point in your life for goodness sake make that time to do things with just your spouse. None of you know how long you will get to have him or her. I have clients all the time that are waiting for the retirement to do things. Don't take the little trips, hikes, camping.
Samuels Apple that he couldn't use at the Engineering Dept is now mine. That is why I am selling the desk one. Tell me if you know anybody. Anyway, I had bought him the $100 private classes with an apple person once a week for a year. I am now using it. Oh my goodness I have learned so much. I love this laptop. I hated being stuck in the office. If you know me will it was like being in a straight jacket. Now my quicken, everything is where I can go to the porch. (where I am right now with my coffee, listening to the water fall.) I am able to make myself get on more.
Funny how God is so gentle with us teaching us new things. I actually am liking all this. I use the laptop in the shop to make new appointments and then automatically it goes onto the phone appt. calendar, YEAH!!!!!!! I mean how great is that? No more syncing. Oh I hated that. I found out really I wasn't syncing anyway. It just said it was done and it really wasn't on there. I don't know what I would have done without Dave my brother in law. I was at the end of functioning, thought all of the calendar was lost. He worked and worked, and now I have it all. (I am still a little paranoid at dropping it.)
God sent me Hannah for this time to adjust to very little going on here. Kids are gone. I don't see the two older boys hardly at all. Samuel is camping, and Mollie works during the day and does her thing in the evening.
We are having a dinner on Thurs to be together on the anniversary.
More pictures.

2009-07-13T14:30:00.000-07:00

I put so many pictures on the web, I need to do that. I will post some everyday. I want to see our lives. He was just so darling such a beautiful man.

2009-07-13T13:23:00.000-07:00

I guess I keep thinking if I don't say it, it really won't be true. Mike has been gone for two years. I feel so sick about it. Like how could it be. I can't stop thinking about him. I miss his gentle spirit his patience with me. The way he found things that I lost, he always closes the doors I open. My life seemed all alright when he would spoon around me. No matter what was going on when his arms would go around me I would think "See it's all alright"
I still feel such a void. Like I am always missing something.
I was to go with my friend to Marco Island. We got 89 dollar tickets, and were to drive her friends moms car back. I have been struggling with thinking I shouldn't go. Mollie is at camp, counseling. I decided that I wouldn't go. Hannah was so good to say I think that is the right decision. I appreciate her. It was my carrot to get through the summer. It seemed so far away when we booked it. I want to do something with Mollie the first week of aug. I feel much better about it now.
The kids and I are going to have dinner together for Mike's two year.
Some of you know already that I am to be a grandma. Michael is having a baby the 10th of Dec. He is so precious, trying so hard to get some things together. He and Cara go to all the appointments together. I know he is hurting so knowing his dad won't meet his baby. I always looked so forward to MIke and I being grandparents together. We would have rocked. Taking the kids camping and he was always so good to play and love on little ones. Makes them feel so special.
Michael and Brandon are working so hard with their new business. Some days they mow 30 yards. Then they both work at Domenic's at night. Not every night.
Samuel is enjoying his summer with friends. They have been camping, floating, and lots of fishing. He has some good friends that I am glad he has.
Our youth group here did a mission trip here. The kids knocked doors, asking the people if they needed anything done, like yard, shrubs, cleaning things out. Then they asked the people if they oculd pray for them. I am so proud of them. There they were up on the porches holding hands with the people prayng with them. They worked everyday dong chores in the heat. Mollie loved it. Jeremy (youth minister) had 30 kids from Houston come in and all the kids stayed at the Webster University dorms. New friends for life. It was precious hearing the stories and how Big God is.
I really just want to get through the week. I know the kids are struggling, what do you even do with all this. I don't know but to keep on stepping forward. Everyday I see God's great love for me. I am grateful that I am still working out and feeling healthy.
I did a wedding yesterday a client that raised her boys herself for 13 years and now found a precious man. One week before the wedding her 17 year old son was diagnosed with Hodgkin Lymphoma. Today he starts his first chemo. Life is precious, health is not to be taken for granite. Things like that just puts everything in prospective.
St. Louis is hopping, the All Star Game is here. So many activities, exciting for our city.
I need to tell you thank you for sticking with me these last years. Knowing that you read and care if a real gift. I want to tell you thank you so much.
I can almost see Mike drive in the drive with a big smile, ready for dinner. I can't stop crying, wish it would go away.

2009-06-25T09:34:00.001-07:00

I have a new found serious appreciation for farmers. I get so upset over the plants having bugs. Hannah brought in a zucchini stem upset and took it to the gardener and he told us we had bores and it didn't look good. Then on our tomato plants there are beetles. The nerve of them. It has been as you know in the 90's. Hannah worked long and hard in the heat yesturday weeding and trying to powder the plants with natural remedies. She looked like a drowned rat when she came in.
I don't see the two oder guys much. They are spending many hours mowing and working. I don't know how they do it in the heat. Then they go home and nap and then go to work in tuxedos serving. Yulk the thought of dressing up after being so hot.
Samuel came home almost sick. He worked in a garage at the mowing place or outside from like 9-5. Drenched and weak. I am proud of the way they are such hard workers. Mollie works everyday from 8-2. She has to ride her bike back and forth. I watch her pull in all red cheeked. She is making good money and I think she is learning alot. The youth group had a slmuber party in Ill. She could not stay so I had to go and get her at like 10:30. Hard when you have to work the next day.
I won't even begin to explain my computer fiasco but I have a apple desk computer, new if anyone is in the market. (Did I say I have a love hate rrelationship with computers?)
I hope your day is going well and you are able to see God in all you do.
I got on face book, talk about exhausting. No way will I be able to do that. I can't even get on long enough to get my emails. Quicken is calling my name. I have not done well keeping up with the book keeping this summer. Oh well.
My moms flocks are absolutely gorgeous. Purple beautiful purple.

2009-06-24T06:55:00.001-07:00

I am enjoying the garden so much. Hannah and I pick in the am and eat zucchini, onions and peppers in our eggs. There is something so rewarding about eating from your own bounty. Hannah is fun to watch she just loves life. It is a gift to get to be with her. I see my sister in her willingness to do for others.
I work in just a minute just wanted to get the pictures on here first.

2009-06-18T06:17:00.000-07:00

I went with Samuel to Mizzou for orientation. It was so good for me to get to see where he is going and his dorm and some of his professors. He is now in the College of Engineering at University of Missouri. I think he felt much better about all of it, what is expected and how they can help. I am so happy for him to get to have this opportunity. I stayed with some of our friends. (my mom an dads from Columbia) it was so good to be with them.
The shower went just great. They got some nice gifts and all the kids were so fun to watch.
Mollie got to go to high teen week at our church camp. I have been so excited to get to hear how fun it was. The house so strange without her. It has been nice not having to think where she is and does she need a ride home.
She is working everyday Mon - Fri at the early childhood development at one of the schools. She works from 8-2. I am grateful for her job.
Boy I feel like time is just rushing by. I have had a wonderful two weeks. I have wanted a pond for many years. Mike drilled me a hole in a rock a long time ago so I would have the fountain part of the pond. I now can't move it so I got creative and made a small fall. I dug a pond. I used a college guy to wheel the dirt away. OK so now the small pond is 14 x 12, parts of it 2 feet deep. it makes such a sweet sound. I have been gathering rocks for around 10 years. Whenever I see free rocks I just get them. Now it is gathering them from around the yard. The rain was so terrible that I thought it would wash away but it held firm.
I went to get granddaddy a card the other night. I had no idea I was going to get hysterical. It hits you when you are not ready. I started reading cards, started thinking of the ones Mike would get his dad. I moved to the ones for fathers and then I saw a little girl card that was so perfect for the two of them. I bought it anyway. I stood there sobbing and kept on reading thinking maybe I could get the and mail them just somewhere. It was the most terrible feeling to think that I did not get to get him a card, I did and wrote in my head what I would say. What on earth. I was in there on the 16th Mike's 23 month since his death. I don't know how it has happened that it is so long. I want to show him the pond. He would love to sit out there. It sounds like the little rivers when we would go camping.
There have been struggles lately that have made me think so much of my parenting. I know that we all make mistakes but it the not continuing them that is so important to me. I am trying so hard to let them be there own men,. To listen and not ask questions that are irritating. God has been growing me up again. I keep telling him to build character in my children but to leave me out of it. Funny how that doesn't work.
The garden is starting to produce fruit. We have zucchini , yellow squash, onions, peppers, lettuce, our broccoli is done. It is so good to eat fresh.
Hannah has been the biggest God send for me. To say good morning and walk and have coffee with her, is wonderful. To talk of God and what we are confidently expecting in our lives. Isn't that what Hope is about? Confidently expecting God to do great things in our lives. That is His promise to us. Knowing in all things he works good. I believe that and want to be still and watch it unfold. It is good for me.
I pick up Mollie sat and look forward to her being home.
Pray specifically for me to get some paper work done for the hospitals. I have much to send in. I am now done with Samuel's stuff. Met with the financial people at the college. I felt small. Of course I only saw all the mom and dads that where together. Holding hands and doing it together. (Don't tell me there where other singles too, duh! I know that) I just said that is who I saw.
Again, make it a day that you tell someone you love them. Hug them say the words. Who knows in life when and if we will get to meet again. I have so many people I love and think of. My life is so full of blessings. I tell Samuel I am the most blessed women I know. He said I need to get out more. So funny.

2009-06-08T18:52:00.000-07:00

I had mentioned my niece Hannah living with us this summer. Well it is absolutely the greatest thing ever. It is so wonderful to wake up with an adult and we make coffee and then make breakfast, and a few of the mornings we work out together. I feel like sometimes she is the mature one. Such a fun person. Ok I am still in shock over this one. At dinner time she asked me if I was hungry, (that was shocking enough) then she said what would you like? Really? Are you kidding me. I don't even know if I have been asked that in our family. Mike wasn't the cook type guy, and I dont' think the kids have ever thought that sentence. She made dinner, brought me a glass of wine. She picked oregano and basil from the garden and used fresh vegetables, she made the suace from scratch. She then said oh we can eat it in the living room I'll just bring it to you guys. Mollie and I were watching the Jonas Brothers show. I know my mouth was hanging open. Do you want something to eat are you hungry? Really!!!
Today we went to Cosco and got some of the stuff for the shower we are having for the Hayes family. When we got home, I had problems with the gutters with the last storm we had a few days ago. The tree limbs are touching the roof and I hadn't cut them yet. She got out the ladder and got on the roof and cut on the limbs and dug out the gutters. I am actually afraid to get up there. Mike had put me up there to help with something when I was pretty pregnant and I had a fear freeze and couldn't get myself off the ladder. Weird I know, it was so great to get it done. I then went to work. Trevor had stopped by and Hannah is sick, temp soar throat, she is down for the count. I have been digging on my pond. Mike had drilled me a big rock for the pond and said someday I would get it done. I love that he the rock, I dug for two days with a college friend. My arms were so soar. Then it stormed and I was out there this am making the cover stay on. I can see it all in my brain. It has been there for a long time. I could sit out on the porch and pretend hearing it. Also my girlfriend is giving my her baby coix, so it needs to get going. I have the pump from another water thing we had. It will be so gorgeous. A relaxing paradise to me.
I leave for a day and a half to go with Samuel to college for a orientation type thing. I will get to meet with the finance department. Oh yeah paper work. I say often so I hear it I am so good at paper work it is just not a problem for me. I have been home bound recently on my own liking to be there doing piddly things.
I sometimes can't stop thinking of my friend Kathy, hating her having to go through radiation. She has a good attitude, knows God is faithful.
Life is so short you really have to relish the moment don't you?

2009-05-31T09:34:00.000-07:00

It hard to say that my dads service was one of the most special times of my life. My father had brain surgeries (2), the man I knew as a child was not the one I knew as an adult. I would tell my kids of camping and trips and him paying on the floor with us. His survival questions and all the people he had influenced in his life. They were hard pressed to remember that. I felt I had grieved his death many years ago, but had not had the opportunity to see all of the man he was.
People got up and told their stories, it was amazing the lives he touched the people he brought to know the Lord, the was his generosity had touched so many. I was so grateful that the children had the chance to see all the people who talked and came to remember my dad. They were surprised and frankly so was I. I had forgotten so many of the stories and had not even heard some of them. The talking after was when I heard over and over that my dad had taught and mentored people. My sister mentioned in her talk how my dad would argue one side of the story, mostly why do you believe that, and then when you thought you had been clear he would get on the other side and argue that. He would teach you to think on your own, (which at times I think they wouldn't have been so good at teaching us that). He is the one who made me so good in emergencies. Always making us think fast. You would be driving down the highway and he would say "Your car goes in the river and you are going under water what would you do first?" It is burned on my brain all these facts.
So many told of my dads brilliance, They did not know a more well read man. He was a continuous learner.
It was refreshing to my soul to hear and see the pictures of the father I had know as a young girl. My sister did a fabulous job of getting everything together.
The church family out did themselves. Food, snacks dinners, home made everything. As a family we were just missing Monty and that was a big loss. He had had Emily come from Nigeria, and he had to stay and work. Well the babies were not here either but we were so glad for Wes and Martha to get to enjoy sitting and being with family. We all stayed on Mary Beth's house. It is a perfect home to all be together. She is just able to run things where you feel comfortable. Everyone pitches in, the kids played out Botche ball in the dark with lights hanging from the trees, and the fire pit was going. I have sute pictures of the girls not wanting to let their hair smell like fire so they put their bandanas on. The kids on the way home siad Mom that was a good time.
We came home early because the teams that Brandon and Samuel coach have made it to the play offs and they have all the games today.
Michael and Cara come home today and Hannah will be back tomorrow. My heart feels so much better to know how all the others remember him.
I will get a copy and put in the letters my sisters read, they were beautiful.

I have been loving this.
Psalms 62: 5-8 "Find rest, O my soul in God alone, my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."
I do love that we can pour out our hearts to him. Have a blessed day. Squeeze and hug and speak the words of love.

2009-05-27T06:37:00.000-07:00

The weekend was so good. When I have a Monday off and work sunday I get so confused to what day it is. We leave at 5:00 am on Friday to get to Lawrence . I wanted to go by Thurs night so I could spend the whole day with my sisters but the kids have to work so that is when we can get away. Mollie got to get a final changed so she can go on Friday too. Hannah and Trevor are coming on Friday night. I just am loving Hannah here. It is so wonderful to wake to an adult. Work out and have coffee. She is good to share God with, she loves him and it is contagious. I have been so sad lately and it is good to feel better.
Sweet friend Kathy started radiation and the doctors said the cancer could pop up in other parts of the brain. It is all new. They have not had a case like hers.
Fred and Jane's dear friends Olan and Zella the ones they camp with, she died on Sunday , Fred got a call on the way home and was able to get to be with Olan. God is good to give us friends who have been there.
I have been given friends who know what it is like to have a broken family and it is so refreshing to be real.
I had someone come up to me at the graduation party and ask why would I be crying this is a happy occasion. Like DUH! I know nothing was meant but that gets really weary, I am telling you.
I read this in my devotional book,
"The only antidote to this poisonous threat is drawing closer to Me. In My presence you can face uncertainty with perfect Peace."

Then John 16:33 "I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart I have overcome the world." That for me is good news.
Emily gets to come in from Nigeria, I am so grateful she gets to be here. Martha and Wes, Jesse and his new bride Megan, and all the rest fo the cousins. The little ones don't get to come. An awful long drive for a day or so.
Have a beautiful day. Don't you love the pictures of Samuel. He is so cute. Can't believe he will be gone. It has been so nice to know he is here. When I came home after him, I like that he is here and knowing he will be home is good. Will be so weird when he goes to college.
I am getting Mollie to start driving this summer so she will be able to drive herself next year to school.
Love to you!!!

2009-05-24T19:38:00.000-07:00

Here are some graduation pictures. Mary Beth, Dave and Hannah worked so hard to make the place look good. Debbie came and worked her bottie off also. The night was perfect for Samuel. He was so darling and his friends came and it couldn't have been better. I was so sad most of the evening. I cried, and flet such a loss of Mike and Mom Hope. Sharon , =Harold and Fred got there at perfect timing to get to the graduation ceremony.
Fred got a call today that his friend Zella had died. Olan and Zella are mom and freds dear friend from forever. I was so glad he could be home to comfort Olan. I loved them being here.
I had to leave church early to get home to work. Hannah lives here now and she was so helpful in getting lunch ready so they could eat and leave to Kansas.
I worked this afternoon and then watched tv with MOlie and Hannah for a while. I went to the hospital to visit Mary Jo. Her husband was brought to the hospital and is in critical condition. I was so glad that God had given us time to talk this morning at church. You just don't know what it takes to be a varegiver until you have done it. So many emotions go along with it. He is not doing well and I am just sick for her. We have been friends since 87, she has been to all the kids birthdays and loved mike much.
Mollie hjas the youth group girls over for an overnight. I stopped by some graduates to give them their cards. Didn't go in found others going in and gave them the cards. I am getting ready for bed and want to crash. Love to you,

2009-05-21T20:39:00.001-07:00

So much time has gone by. It feels like a month since I have written. Grieved by my father but so weary that my sweet friend Kathy has gotten such news of cancer. I love her dearly, hurt for her family, am sick she has to fight this, but confident in her faith that she knows God will care for her and her family. Please I beg you to pray for her. ; She is starting treatment to a fast growing cancer that can pop up in other parts of the brain. The nurse has not seen one like this in the 12 years that she has worked there. She is with awesome doctors.
I have worked like crazy just working and getting ready for the party.
It has been such a hard week for me. I have had anger when the kids borrow things of MIke's, when they don't return them. I like the things right where they are. I see him there and feel him when I touch some of his tools. I go there and find a moment of peace that he was here and did such a wonderful job. I had to get past that, I gave the big guys (saving Samuel things that he would want) all of his stuff. They are working hard at getting their business going and I want them to have it. Debbie worked with me for so long. Brandon had come the day before and had taken a whole truck load and then have taken another. Deb and I cleaned and sorted. I kept the tools that I want, and then we sorted the rest. The pit of my stomach was so weird. Like I was erasing him. I know I wasn't but it felt like that. I am now liking the order of all of it. Feels good to know where everything is. I have plans of my own for the work place. I used to (before marriage) did quite a bit of woodworking, marrying Mike made me think I wasn't very good. Now I think I might start making birdhouses and I have always wanted to do yard art. I see it clearly in my head just need to figure out how to get it out.
Tomorrow Samuel graduates. I am struggling with that. When I come home I know Samuel will be home soon or is already spread out on the sofa. I will really miss him. Mollie and I are starting a new phase, not one that is my favorite. I miss her terribly, she is sorta doing her own thing, I know it is normal but she is a good friend of mine.
Mary Beth and Dave and Hannah got here and helped me. Hannah got all her stuff moved in to stay for the summer. I love that. We picked from our garden and made salad. There is something so great about that. I have a new respect for salad, it is so time consuming to clean. I don't work tomorrow so I can get things ready. Kari and Sue came over to get the low down on where stuff is to go while we are at the ceremony. Michael and Cara ate with us and so did Trevor. I love to have others to eat. I really miss that too.
Mary Beth and I went through some albums to get pictures of dad with the kids and us. For some reason it is so easy to remember him as the dad he was when I was young. He changed so much with his illness. We will go to Lawrence to the Celebration of his life next weekend. Sat at 12 in Lawrence. So many friends and family are coming in. It will be good to think of him. I find myself crying so often these lasts few days. I went to the offices to do Samuels Senior SUnday pictures. You give them the pics and then record about him. He won't be there. Becasue of the memorial day weekend he does not have to work and his friends planned a float trip. He didn't want to go anyway. I decided to go ahead and do it becasue it is not just about him it is about all the wonderful people that helped to raise him. Mike recor=ded th other two boys, I had wanted him to do Samuel and Mollies but he did not do it. I think it was just too hard. I wish he had. I cried and barely made it through. Jeremy said why don't we take a break, I told him it isn't going to get any better I am a crier.
Even in the midst of all this God continues to give me little gifts of His pressence. I am so grateful becasue I need it. I am looking forward to seeing the Goforth clan, it will be good to all be together. Thank you for holding us up. Right now I am not able to pray well and think very well.

2009-05-13T16:34:00.000-07:00

The part at the botto was written a few days ago and not posted.
My sister Mary Beth called and said my dad wasn't taking anything in without puking, he was not doing well at all. Called back and had the hospice come and evaluate him and said he was dying. I cancelled sat, mon and tues clients, planned on going to Lawrence sat morn, early. Not to see my dad but to be with my sister. Didn't want her to be doing it be herself. She called Friday night and my dad had died at 8:30. Even when you know it is soon it is so shocking. To think you don't have any parents anymore is so strange. The three of us had decided a long time ago to not do the hospital, medical thing. I felt so good about her just letting him go. A brave girl to not panic and call the ambulance to get the blockage fixed. We had asked God to not let him suffer and drag on. God blessed it so much. I am sorry Mary Beth had to be the one seeing him do so bad. It is Samuel's graduation this next weekend. We had said when dad did die we would do it the next sat. She has the service for the 30th in Lawrence. That way Donna will be back from Nigeria and we can all get there.
My friend Kathy who had the brain surgery, did so good with the surgery and honestly I felt like it was just what they do is the biopsy but that this kind of brain tumor isn't usually cancer. Hers is. Probably # 3. I did her hair this am and was so encouraged by her faith. She is confident that God is in charge, and rests in that. Anyway just wanted to touch base.
I got to walk in a ALS run/walk. It was a 5K on a gorgeous sat morning. A man was there with ALS, an ambulance brought him to the run. It made me cry so much. I could just see mom there struggling to breath and no energy. What a horrible disease.
It was a good mothers day. The three boys showed up at church, that was nice. I then went shopping by myself and bought bras and underwear. I have never been so excited to do that in my life. I hadn't noticed how they have not fit for some time. I then went to the sport s place where Branon and Samuel coach on Sundays. It is so good to see them do that. I came home to Michael there and MOllie. Brandon and Samuel brought pizza.

2009-05-08T07:07:00.000-07:00

Praise is right. Kathy was in surgery 8 hours and they felt really good that they got all of the tumor. The next 24 to 48 hours is critical. I am so thankful. She is such a trooper, a great attitude and a faith that is what God says we need, a mustard seed. I was so going to say a giant faith, but realize all we need is the mustard.
It is thunder storming and a client is on her way. I went out and took some pics of the garden. It is so peaceful, and gorgeous. I see God so clearly there. Just how He made things so breathtaking just because.

2009-05-07T05:06:00.001-07:00

Praise my car only needed a battery. Yeah for that. I had a great day at work. Sarah who I think has healing powers because she is so gifted at what she does but because she uses it as such a ministry. When I was doing her hair she made me straight. i feel so much better. I was being so careful thinking I was going to put my back all the way out now it feels right.
I got Samuel's graduation announcements out. Felt good to get that done. I am so looking forward to family coming to be with us during his graduation. He didn't want to go to the senior awards, or really any recognition assemblies during his high school years. I would be like why not. He would say you know I did it and I know I did it. Why do I need to go and see them know I did it. So not my child. I would be telling all. I think it is great to share what God does in our lives. So it hasn't been too fun for me. He isn't even going to do the senior Sunday at church. he says he doesn't even go there why would he show up for that. It is my favorite Sunday of the year. I understand though. I appreciate his being honest. Really I would rather him be like this then pretend. Funner if he would just go along.
I am inviting you to come by on the 22nd. of May. It is right after the ceremony. Should be fun. We are doing taco/pile/up. Easy and everyone can get what they want.
I promised Peggy I would get pictures of the garden so you can see it in stages. Haven't forgotten Peg.
This is sorta long wish I knew how to paste and move.

Psalm 19 "The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.
There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard.
Their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun.
which is like a bridegroom coming
forth from his pavilion,
like a champion rejoicing to run his course. It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is hidden from its heat.
The law of the Lord is perfect reviving the soul.
The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy,
Making wise the simple.
The precepts of the Lord are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the Lord are radiant.,
giving light to the eyes.
The fear of the Lord is pure,
enduring forever.
The ordinances of the Lord are sure
and altogether righteous.
They are more precious than gold,
then much pure gold;
they are sweeter then honey,then the honey comb.
By them is your servant warned;
by keeping them there is great reward."

Ok seriously long but don't you love where it say the laws are trustworthy and he makes the simple wise. I a so glad for that.

2009-05-06T06:30:00.000-07:00

Objects that you cannot control are so annoying. Samuel's jeep broke down last week. The transmission, we have been sharing mine. (I don't like to share sometimes) They were going to use it to go to school and low and behold mine wont start. We tried last night to jump it. Dead, wouldn't even budge. I love my car insurance. We got to get it because of Granddaddy Fred being in the service. They have roadside assistance and will be picking it up this am and taking it to my guy. Who I also like so much. Just more hastles of the day.
Brandon asked me to come to Hacienda to the 5th celebration. I went up for a bit. It was a good time, I haven't been with him for a while.
Mollie was up in the night hurling, sick on the sofa, bless her heart. I sure hope Samuel and I don't get it.
Thinking of Kathy and her family, such a serious surgery. Thank you for the prayers, I know the heavens are bombarded right now on their behalf.
Some days are so much harder to not let satan rob your joy. It is a constant effert sometimes. It is just being willing to make the effert. God ALWAYS blesses it when I am willing. For that I am grateful.
I have a sweet neighbor to let me use her van to go and get some 7-up. I also start work later today.

2009-05-05T12:38:00.000-07:00

Life has been a little strange the last few weeks.I fell on the bus coming home from the choir trip. Felt not right like crooked. One night I was sleeping at 10:30 and I woke to the rain coming down so hard. I had not gotten the gutters cleaned out and snapped out of bed to see if they were overflowing, yes so I hurried, (mind you sleepy) to the back door to open the garage when I slipped on water on our tile in mud room. My feet whipped out from under me and I hit the door jam with my arm and my rear on tile. Bruised like crazy. The arm part I didn't think I would be able to move the next day, didn't sleep because I hurt so bad. Yes I could work. I had so many people no show or cancel on Mon and Tues that I was very grateful to work on wed. I for sure am crooked now. I think I lifted too heavy of mulch wheel barrels and when I got done my knee was all swollen. I think it is because I am not straight. I put it up and put ice on it and today I am working fine.
My dear friend, and such sweet lady. She is one I enjoy praying with and desiring our boys to come to know God more. She blessed Mollies life by coaching her in reading, tutored her. Her name is Kathy. She will have surgery tomorrow with the same kind of brain tumor that my dad had. I talked to her and this is what she said. Such a women of faith. Now Peggy again I know that God is sovereign, I am going to do my part, the doctors theirs, and you and I know the outcome is the Lords. Wow, I love that girl. Please pray for her. She has 3 boys and a sweet husband that is going to do caring bridge for her.We joked and teased and decided I would for sure get a pic of the bad hair day.
My Fred's sisters husband has been battling cancer for a while and I would love for you to pray for them. Hard times are right now.
I have mentioned Olan and Zella, they are dear friends of Fred and Janes. She has been not feeling well for a while. This couple Jane and Fred did the mobile home with. Traveled in groups. She has cancer and is now getting set up with hospice.
My sweet client has done so great with cancer and now it is back and she is deciding what to do.
I am just sick right now. My own woes and then all this other has gotten me in a fog. I feel like I am talking and really I am just staring. A client was in today I did her daughter for prom on sat and she said are you OK, I was worried about you on sat. You just didn't seem right. Well I am not right. I am sick for Kathy and so sad for her boys. The fear that they must have.
I just couldn't stand it talking to Fred. He is so sad. We talked of how now we are so much more prepared for others hurts, and now he can encourage them while they struggle. I could just see Olan and his sad face.
I got to sit out on the porch, (another cancel) God knew what I needed. I looked around and it is so gorgeous, life keeps ticking away, nature continues on cue. I prayed for all of them and kept trying to address Samuels graduation party. Sometimes I feel like I drop the ball with him. Like tonight is the senior awards and he now has decided not to go. He is a coach for the lacrosse team and helps Brandon on Tues nights. I would probably have reminded the other guys enough so that they would have gotten replacements for work and other stuff.
I keep thinking just one more day, make it through just one more day. I hurt all over, and feel angry that right when I am strong enough and liking exercising I am struggling to get to do it. My mind then goes to oh brother Peggy boo hoo, you can't do what you want, on and on my tired brain goes. Enough, I said I would be as honest as I could and try to do that. Kathy Bingley is my friends name. Tomorrow is the surgery. Thank you for the prayers,

Today is the day to say I love you.

2009-04-28T06:06:00.000-07:00

My day yesterday didn't go as panned but as usual when I just go with it it is awesome. I got up and did my exercise at 6 and headed out to do chores. I had to get some things at hardware store. I have been chomping at the bit to use my birthday from Fred and get some plants.
I got the rest of the seeds planted, cucs, cherry tomatoes, and some herbs. I called Debbie feeling blue. Wanting her to go to lunch and she said oh let me come and help in the garden. Wow was that a loaded offer. We worked till 7:30 My clients canceled and then I picked up client called that was in from out of town and I got to do her while (mind you Debbie still working) We had gone to Nacho Mamas and I was on my way to take her done and she said oh we didn't even get started. She worked while I worked and then we hit it again. I have been trying to scale back on all the beds. Like killing most of the stuff. (breaks my heart) But it is good. She pulled up so much the front is empty with plops of perennials all around. She said oh this will be a welcoming side walk. I have never even thought of that. It is I walked out there real early this am and felt so good to have that done. MY friend dumped some compost for the garden (veg) and to put on the flower gardens. I love the smell so much. It is a smell I can't help but think of my mother.
I talked through, while working how I am just realizing that I am no loner an at home mom. It is so sad for me. I think I have been trying to pretend that I could be that still. Life has so many changes that just broad side you, it is hard to realize you have to handle things different as a full time working mother who is acting as, both parents and responsible for everything. I feel like I could have been more patient with people I have known through the years who could not do all I got to because they worked full time. I am so very very grateful for Mike more then ever. I went to the zoo with the kids like 2 or 3 times a week, Grants farm often, all the other places that is what we did. He was so happy that I got to go and do all those things. If someone needed anything, I was so available. I have been grieving the loss of being able to do and be a part of others lives so much. I feel like I pass myself in the hall. I haven't gotten Samuels senior pictures ( I thought oh duh I got to get that done) I have not sent or made his announcements. On and on the list could go, but when I walk out into the yard I feel AHHHHHH peaceful. I am trying to write all the things that I do get done. I think satan so wants us to feel defeated. I remind myself all through the day that today is Gods, know He is in charge and be still in that. I told Debbie yesterday that I think God is preparing me for a job someday in paperwork. I swear, I am now needing to request forms for the hospitals where Samuel had all his stuff done and start filling out all that and calling and messing with that. I get it done and think whew now I won't have to do that again.
My request for man. He needs to loves God more then me. He would need that I think to handle the rest. Loves paper work and yard work. Would love a high strung women who loves to play, keep house,play, and play. Spontaneous, not much for a schedule. Likes to camp, kyak, or float and would love to be around three high testosterone, protective men and one precious girl. (remind you though still a teen so it could change at any moment Would love to have people in (whenever) love to have people live with us (whenever). Oh by the way doesn't want me to work but just a few days a week. Likes to cook fresh healthy food, could be gourmet (not necessary) Requires me to use the controls for the TV. oh and Larry one that does not spell very well. But really likes people, what do you think?

Psalms 19:1.." The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands? Day after day they pour forth speech night after night they display knowledge."
Look around us, this spring is just gorgeous. The trees blooming,green all around, to think He does this just for us is so reassuring to me.

Make a great day, squeeze those you love, say the words I love you, stop and listen to our Father.

2009-04-26T18:20:00.000-07:00

We got home this evening. It was a wonderful trip. It is so enjoyable to what this director does with these 180 kids. You would think oh my gosh what idiot would take a group that big with all their tux's and formals, etc. They rocked. Took gold in everything. Took first place in all choirs except the womens, (mollies) They took second. The choir that won had seniors and some juniors. Our choir was made up of fresh, soph and a few juniors. They thought they did good and plan on coming back and taking it next year. We will go to Calf. Or she will. I think that trip will be to tough to get to. I had such a nice time watching people. We were at six flags over Georgia, did I ever tell that I hate lines, Ok that really isn't a strong enough word for it. Terrible in 90 degrees. Mollie and I don't do rides, we go to the park for the water partk which isn't open yet. I had a nice time we sat under an arbor of vines on benches watching people go by. Now the ride on the bus wa torture. They watched movie after movie with the volume turned way up because the kids in the back were so loud. So they woudl tun it up and then they would have to talk louder, uyou get the point, it was a cycle. I read two books and just chilled. I sat in the middle with MOllie and the other parents sat in the front. I was glad that MOllie had wanted me to sit with her. I do enjoy being around her. I am very grateful that she wants me to go on trips with her.
I had that same anxiety when I saw the arch again. It was like I oculdn't breath. I started thinking oh no you can't do this. Get off the bus and run. I can't work like this, I can't...can't... I sat and prayed and talked to GOd, feel better. Kari picked us up and let me vent to her. She said I was doing it. I am in the yard tomorrow. Trying to get done. Work late in the evening so I enjoy the mondays.
Love to you

2009-04-21T06:35:00.000-07:00

Jeremiah 31:3 I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with loving-kindness.

He goes on and comforts Rachel's weeping for her children. He says after she is not to be comforted, Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears for your work will be rewarded, declares the Lord, They will return from the land of the enemy. So there is hope for your future declares the Lore. Your children will return to their own land.

Don't get me wrong. My boys are incredible people. I think they are amazing. Sometimes I am blown away at the gifts that God has given them. That is when I grieve that they don't love Him like breath.(for today) I know that God works all things for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose BUT I get impatient. I feel like I have some really good plans and I keep telling Him them and I think oh He just didn't hear me I am sure.
I am for today learning to be at peace in His timing.
Mollie and I leave for Atlanta for the choir competition. She wanted me to go and be a chaperon. I feel so grateful that she wants me to go. At the time it sounded like a great idea, the trip was so Chicago now it is changed to Atlanta. Ok try to picture over 100 kids on buses. Now my thinking is much clearer. (OH MY GOSH)
I have to keep telling myself really she is just here another two years, Preciouys time to spend. I will get there by the time we leave.
Yesturday I planted the broccli, yellow squash and the zuccini, two bell pepper plants and onions. That is in the front bed I haven't planted much in the real vegetable garden. I am hatching praying manttis to put in the beds. Fun for me. I see God so clearly when I am outside. How can you not look around and see what an incredibly creative Father we have.
I work at the school appriciation luncheon from 10:30 to 1:30. I then go back to work. I have some to do before I go. I made some of my moms pies. Fun making them with Mollie last night when I got off.
For today I choose to wait on the Lord.

2009-04-20T05:44:00.001-07:00

It was such a blessing for Fred to be here. I have been having such a hard time.Was so glad he was here to get through Mollies birthday. It ended up being a nice birthday. We all got up on Easter, Mark took us to the restaurant Crepes in the City. Fred ran me around picking up things that I cant without a truck. I sold my tailor to the bous for their company. Not one of my wiser moves. I now can't even get mulch. They are woring and the trailor is full of equipment. Fred helped put up the wiring that the beans and sugar snap peas are going to climp. He did make me a little nervous. We put two 7' like fence pieces, wird together like a tee pee. Then decided that they wouldn't be srong enough so I got 10' rebar to put in groung and support. Ok Fred up on large ladder with a hammer thinking he can reach the top. He laughed, I held the ladder and we realized that was a job for some tall boys. He said he is hight challenged. it was a great idea. I asked Fred to have the boys do certain things. They just hop to it when he asks. Unloaded all the dirt, fertilizer and helped me attach the boards aroung the garden. It was a little like having Mike around.
I am a chapreron for Mollies choir trip, we leave to go to Atlanta. Will be gone for the weeked. Hope it is a good trip.
I baked yewturday for the end of school appretiation for the teachers luncheon. I work it but needed to make three desserts. It wa a rainy yulky day so it was nice to bake.Michael came over that kid. He picks me up and puts me over his shoulder and carries me aorund the living room. I hate to be picked up and even more to be like a sack over a shoulder. He thinks everything is so funny and life is a party. (I knew someone like that when she was young) Their business is going well. Such totally different personalites, trying to work at it. Samuel is so ready to be out of school and graduate. I am haivng a come and go party for him right after graduation, please come by I would love it. The 22 of May at 8:00. It will be so nice to have friends. I was so sad yesturday thinking how MIke would not be here. He made it to the other big boys, sometimes barely. He got up after a big surgery and went to Brandons pictures of prom. Mom took him there. It was so precious to see them drive up. Watched them hug and cry. SSweet memories. I am going for a walk with Kari and a friend from Dallas. The sun is shining and I am hoping to get much done. dddMake a great day!!! I am really going to work at that.

2009-04-03T06:13:00.000-07:00

I am starting to get some things done. I had a client help me figure out what I could do to make my kitchen more efficient. I moved a cabinet and the frig last night. I put drawers under the little table. When the kids take things out of the dish washer they just set it around, on frig mostly. Not really there fault, not a place for the pans and things. Now there is. I am feeling so much better about it. I have a two foot counter and now I can use the table for cooking becasue the stuff on it is now gone. Yeah! I am trying so hard to get stuff gone through. My pantry was terrible. I had all the stuff I cooked for Mike. Things I will never make again, Grits, ... I threw it all away. It was so sad, but now there is so much room. I still had cereal he liked. Fred is going to come to our house for Mollies birthday and then stay for Easter. I don't have anything done for her birthday, it feels like it has crept up on me.
Work has gone so good this week. Had enough breaks that I got to clean out a couple of gardens. I don't work this sat. and am so glad about that. The business that Michael and Brandon are doing has really taken off They are such hard hard workers. Samuel got a job at the Lawn Care place. Glad he got that before all the college kids come into town.
I miss the birds in Hiltonhead, also the big trees. I keep imagining all the azaleas opening. It is a pretty spring here too. The high today is just 60 and I heard it is to get colder. Hard to go back to cold. At least the sun is shining.
Make a great day!!!!!! I dkeep telling myself it is my choice. Have to work hard on that right now.

2009-03-29T07:54:00.000-07:00

I felt like I was in another country. I am so taken with the Marsh Lands. I couldn't get my brain around it. every day. Did I say everyday, twice a day on clock work God brings in the tide, slowly it crawls into the marsh and then out it goes. I felt like a new definition of Hope. Totally you can count on it. Gorgeous just so gorgeous. I have apicture of a place that Becky took me to. I am not exaggerating. We got there and the water was out for sure a 1/3 of a mile. Probably more. We walked around in the "Fluff" mud you can sink down into. Most of the area was sand in beautiful formations, we collected empty clams, I flet like it was a Christmas tree lot. You know where you think just look at one more over the hill and it will be the perfect one every cluster I picked up I felt ike it was better. I took two big bags and am going to make "art". (my kids hate when I say that they say that means junk) Just sitting there it is going to be wonderful. I decided they needed to find me a youngish/old man so I can move there.
My most precious moment was Becky meeting us on the beach (some people had to work) She sat down and got tears in her eyes and said she just cant believe that she gets to live here, why am I so blessed? They got to work and come home to a vacation heart. I totally understand why they bought land there so many years ago and dreamed of living there, They fit in so nicely. (I do to mind you). Every morning (I slept one) we got up and walded, oh my other favorite is the darn I can't remember the name of this huge white bird. So pretty. The other fabulous part is the azaleas. everywhere, I mean everywhere there are azaleas. When we first got there they were just starting to bloom by the time we left they were reay to go wild.
The talks, sitting together for dinner with Jeff praying, holding hands praying for dinner I know was special for me and the girls.
We played WI, I will say that was a highlight for me. I have a video and if I was computer savey I would put Jeff and Becky on it. I don't know who I laughed at more him doing the hoola hoop or Becky laughing. Fun precious memories.
Mollie and Madison couldn't have gotten along any better. They are both such sweeties.
The drive home was hideous. It rained the whole way. At one point we had to pull over the hail and rain was like a white sheet. I started hyperventilating (not really) right when I saw the arch. Like reality set in. I felt so bad last night and then morning. I didn't go to church. Hurt everywhere. I though I was getting a bug. After I got up, hurt to bad to stay in bed, I realized that it must have been that I held the wheel so hard and my body tight while the storms were gong on that I hurt all over. I took advil and now am feeling better. So glad, I have a big ay tomorrow.
I had stacks and stacks of mail and bills. Getting all of Samuel s MRIs and hospital stuff. Yulk. I have to keep thinking one day at a time no big deal.
I have pictures that I will put on tomorrow. I had a blessed time and feel like I get so many things special. Grateful for the time I spent with Mollie and Madison. Samuel had a great time on his trip with his senior friends. (and moms) Michael and Brandon stayed and worked here. I had Stephanie stay with rudy and water my valuable seedlings for my vegetable garden. She did a great job and it was so good to see them growing. Oh did I tell you I came home to is snowing this morning. I got up and looked out the window and shut my eyes and pretended that I was looking out over the Marsh and seeing my birds. Great to have memories.

2009-03-17T07:38:00.000-07:00

Sharon and Fred came into town on Sunday morning and bless there hearts they were met with tears. I can't seem tostop. I am missing Mike so much. Everytime I go outside I think of us doing chores or things we did to improve the yard. Mollie is struggling so much. I think the wedding and the family pictures without him there is so sickening. Such a beautiful day to make one so sad.
We also had sad things at our school. One boy (who threatened to fight Samuel) hit another kid with a bat.. The one hit is still missing and suspected dead. Then the Monday when everyone was back to school. Police there, a senior in Samuels class died in his sleep. Mollie had to come home. I am just praying for her to be able to make it the rest of the week till spring break. We drive to see me girlfriends that moved last year. Atlanta and South Carolina. She goes to her counselor wed I am so glad t-for that. I had stopped making the appointments, my fault. I think with all Samuels stuff I just put it aside.
The two big guys have a big job they are doing. Totally taking apart a yard, building walls and planting. They overhauled the trailor. It had rusted out. They redid the body work and painted and sanded the floor and sealed. I am praying for them to be successful with each other. I do think they compliment. Samuel is going to be working for them this summer. That smells like trouble to me. Making him do all dirty work. he will have to deside for himself.
Mollie turns 16 ont eht 8th of April. I would love very much for her to recieve birthday cards. If she is someone you know please send her one.
I think things are just sucking without Mike right now. Grieving is such a long process that in America we try to go so fast. It just doesn't work.
A hospital group I work with helping the cancer senter had one of the members on the board die this last weekend. He was doing such a great job of making it. I was really shocked, I had seen him just a few weeks ago. I forget that is the way it was with us. My frined Linda came by and checked on Mike before she left to go out of town, he was fine. Then when she came back he was at deaths door. Life is fragile have I said that lately. It is sooooo precious. Dont' let the day pass you by without thanking God for the breath you take and your loved ones.
I do miss MOm Hope so much. I will say Mike and I had the being great friends down. Helping each other in chores. It is good to remember. Sickening to do by yourself.

2009-03-11T13:29:00.000-07:00

Well the doctor called, it is not fractured yet. I he were to run on it, then eventually it would break and the kind of break it would be looking at the MRI the way it is he said inevitably it is one that would have to have a rod put in. I hate that there is no cast, so he would remember not to run. It hurts so bad I hope that helps. It will take up to 6 -8 weeks to heal. He is soooo disappointed. He has worked hard to get bigger and heavier for the season. I for one am thinking this is a good thing that he is not getting his brain rattled. he will have the MRI for the brain on Friday evening.
Fun fact, I have two beautiful cardinals sitting outside my window. I picked a vase full of daffodils, Just gorgeous. I can't believe it is wed already. Time is flying. I work this sat, so it will be a little longer but not when it is going like it is.
I put the killer on the grass for the garden to get turned under then it rained. I will do that on Sat afternoon. I am so ready for the warm. Thanks for all the prayers that you send for our family.

2009-03-11T06:28:00.000-07:00

I am still enjoying thinking of the wedding. Such a wonderful time. Michael"s luggage was lost in flight and it arrived yesterday. yeah!
I woke up this am at 5:00 to get Samuel's paper work done for Mizzou. Oh my goodness, it is so much. In the process I had forgotten to do Brandons Fasfa, pooh. They wanted it in on the d1st Oh well. I told Samuel this morning that he needed to watch and see how God blesses him. He is not in to that very much. I finished his freshman welcoming packet.
I work this am and then go to Mollies choir competition. It is the afternoon, so I work starting at 3:30. It will be a long day. She still likes when I go to things so I am taking advantage of that. Michael has been sick, I hate that for him, hard to work and keep up.

News on Samuel. His leg has not gotten better so when he went in to see the Orthopedic Dr. they did an MRI. We will find out on Thurs. He is just sick. Lacrosse has started full swing and he was so eager to play his senior year. I secretly feel like it is a blessing in disguise. I haven't gotten his head MRI yet it is schedualed for Frid at 5:30. He has had bad head aches and blurred vision. I want to find out if there is anything there before he starts playing. I don't htink he would have gone with can you not play yet from his mom. I feel like sometimes I put off getting there medical stuff done. I hate that. it is all about insurance and deductions. I decided to stop that trying to figure it all out and just do it. recently I have felt like it is mounting the paper and appt and trying to figure out all of this. I know that is just what satan wants is to let the small stuff rob your joy. So for today I say no way. I will let you know for tomorrow. My client is here better go. Make a great day. I wish Mike was here to help me get started in the yard. He was always so good at that.

2009-03-09T11:53:00.000-07:00

What a wonderful perfect time. Jesse had caled Donna and said he and Megan said they wouldn't have changed a thing. You can't get any better then that. I loved being with everyone. Of course too short. We stayed with a dear friend of Donnas who has become a good friend to me. I enjoyed the visiting with her so much. She is single and has been for 10 years. I will write more later. Have to pick Mollie up at school and get to work.

2009-03-01T12:28:00.000-08:00

Mollie has been gone for the whole weekend. The youth group went to Harding for the Bisson Days. It sound like she has had a good time. We leave next thur morning so she will have so much to do catching up at school.
I worked on my photo albums for much of the weekend. I feel like I will be caught up with what has gone on after Mike's death. Now it will be me sorting the year before and the actual weeks before. I had them all layed out at one time and then they all got put in piles in a basket (helping hands) and I have never gone through them again.
We are so excited to go to Houston.
I literally seeded like 70 plants this weekend. In all the windows in living room, dining room and the family room. I am planning a large vegetable garden with Mollie and hannah. Cucumbers, yellow squash, zucchini, yellow pear tomatoes, cherry and heritage tomatoes, four kinds of lettuce, red, green, and little peppers, hot peppers, more I just can't think. Mike and the boys wouldn't let me put a garden in becasue they didn't want to mow around anything else. They liked to mow the big part in the valley. Especcially Mike, he loved it. Now I decided I mow and want a garden. Some complaints but now much.
Michael went to Kansas to see Sharon and Fred. I was so glad that he went. I used his car all weekend. It is a little corolla. I really like the littleness of it. Felt like I was zipping around. I am heading for a nap. Cant seem to get motivated for the yard, maybe after the nap. Love to you,

2009-02-25T17:07:00.000-08:00

Samuel does not have a broken leg or hair line whatever. What we are having is bad problems with his head. I am just sick abou tit tonight. he came hoe fro practice not able to do anything but go and get in bed. While he was working out this afternoon it started and then he had the vision problem. I told him we have to go back to the neuro doctor. The meds that he got are not working. His face was so sad. he has been looking so forward to this season starting forever. I can't stand it. He demands so little and requires such a small amount for happiness. I just hate this for him. But I do not want him to have any kind of permanate damage. tonight wa the night we were to finish all his applications for scholorships. I have done what I could and now he is out cold.
Tomorrow is our aniversary. I miss him right now so much. I am planning a garden and thinking of choes I need to do. Usually we think abou tall that together We love when March 1 comes around. It is still so hard to believe that he has been gone for 19 months. Impossible. It is a hecktic day. Mollie leaves for Hrding University with the youth group. I worry abou ther too she misses days this week and then two next week for the wedding, oh well. I have my Missouri Baptish Hospital meeting. The once a month meeting to work with the hospital on patient care. Then Don is going to come over so I can sign taxes and get the FASFA done for the three boys. Have I said how I hate paper work. even if it is on the computer.
I have been working onthe photo albums. I think when I am back to where Mike is dying I will be ale to do his year. i hope so, feel very behind.
I am having anxiety about the wedding, renting the car and making sure we have everything and then being by myslef with out him seeing Jesse marry. It just make me sick. he thought he was a special guy. To not have him see all three boys down front with there black suites on is so sad. What can you do. Just keep walking through it all. I do know every day God shows me so many things to look at that are such blessings. My friend Lynn that I work out with was so good today to remind me of the gift of just being alive. Not getting so caught up in what I am not doingand should do. Pooh, it is so easy to forget that.
Glad to be alive and well for sure.!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-02-22T13:26:00.000-08:00

Ok I can't even believe that the month is on its way out.
Ihad the best Valentines week. I invited the boys and their girlfriends over for a fancy dinner party. I had everything so pretty. Candles everywhere, flowers, the table was gorgeous. I served and the neighbors across the street who are good friends with tthe boys also came to dinner and Molllie and I watched their little 10 month old. It was one of those evenings that you look at your kids and say wow what neat people. Even Michael the next day said mom that was 10 times better then I thought it would be. I knew you would do a nice dinner but it was all so perfect. Yeah, it is nice when things turn out special. Valentines day is a favorite of mine. Mollie hates it she says it is so stupid that everyone tries to do something on just this one day. i told her I love it because maybe some wouldnt get the note or card or take the time to do that speical thing. She said sucks for them. I love that girl.
We are trying to get things ready for Jesses wedding. I finally got the suites back from being altered. I had to call and have them let Samuels out one more inch and it still just fit perfect. I can't believe how big he is getting. He is growing so fast. Gaining weight. He grew totally out of all clothes. He is so funny. Never asks for a thing. When the dinner party was almost starting he told me he had nothing to wear. He called Michael who brought a shirt for him but no pants. I wantched him try and get into his jeans, too funny. Michael and Brandon came all starched and ties. They looked so handsome. Samuel squeezed into the jeans and wore Michael s shirt. I took him shopping on Sat. He got new jeans shirts etc. I couldn't believe that he was in a 36x34.
I had a colonoscopy on Wed. I had a nother polip. That is why you have them done. What a great way to get rid of the cancer stuff before it is a problem.

NOw FOr the earth shattering news. Yes I reconciled. I did I really did. Don was precious. I texted him and told him yes I really had done it, all by myself. i even liked it. I texted hours later and told him that I did my family account too. His response was great how does Sat sound for me to come over. Ha he thought I had made a mess and sure enough it was just right. he told me that Kari came up to him at church and said Peggy is spreading rumors that she reconciled is that the truth, she was laughing. I really am so proud of myself. I helped my friend Angela move for like 11 hours last sat and this sat I just helped unpack some and hang pictures. I really a pretty goo with a screw gun. I can hear Mike say well I would hope so.
One thing I am not doing very well is having the two kids help with things. I feel like I just don't have the energy to keep on keeping up with stuff. Too big right now. I usually feel so excited about the yard and this time I am having anxiety of all the work to do. I am trying to give it up and realize all doesn't have to be just so so.
I do ask for prayers for Samuel and scholorship for college. Ihave a hard time with the paper work and haven't done as good a job as I did with Brandon. This week is the deadline. He also the doctor thinks has a hair line fracture to his left leg. It has been bothering him for quit a while, he kept saying oh it was shin splints. Maybe so but now it is worse so he is so upset becasue Lacrosse starts for his senior year. Today he is going to have the x-ray.
I think maybe the waether is giving me a hard time because Mike is the one I would tell that the robins are out and come a=nd look at my daphadiles. He would always go so willingly, walking around the yard with me. I miss his gorgeous smile and his hug. Wow what I would give for him to hug me. Brandon was really sick this weekend and Michael worked alot. I think they are doing well in school. I say I would liek to be a mouse in there home to see how they get along but really that is just a stupid expression. I would pobably just pass out.
Friday night some girlfriends had a surprise birthday party for me. I had no idea. kari had said she would like to take me to dinner for my birthday. i thought wow we don't get to go out with each other and that will be so nice. She stopped at a friend of ours and said she had to drop off a dish for a funraiser. It was the strangest thing to have them there and for me. it was so wonderful. It was so long since myu birthday that I didn't even think of anything but dinner. Fun memories.
I still would love if you have a email to send me a shout. phope@sbcglobal.net I lost the contacts that I had. They are hidding somewhere in my computer.
Brett came and picked up my computer stuff that was left around. I had no idea all those pieces gave me such grief but I was so glad they were not in my office this morning. Make a wonderful day, hug, hug, kiss, kiss your family. Say the words that seem so hard to get out. I have times I think if I could just tell him how grateful that he did our money.
One thing I did learn, Don would say how do you get all the numbers to the check out of order. (You see I use whatever check is near and if not near I get another one. What is the big deal?) Oh I will tell you no wonder he gets frustrated when he does the books. Do you know how long it takes to figure it all out when there is no order? I do, I apologized to him.

Do you know he has been faithful to me for 20 months. If you are working with someone and helping someone don't give up on them. They will get it in time. (I hope I got it)

2009-02-03T06:26:00.000-08:00

Mollie slept with me last night with Rudy in the middle, I love her to I just don't get the greatest sleep with her.

My email is phope@sbcglobal.net If you would please mail me a note so I have your address, just send it alone would be great. My new computer has it somewhere but I have yet to find it. I would really appreciate it.

I got this in the mail.
Faith strongly held can move you out of impossible into exciting possibilities. Norman Vincent Peale.

I think it is so easy to limit God to what I think could be done. He is so big and has such great ideas. The resource of all resources. For today, I am going to trust that. I have such grand plans and think I have great ideas. (really I do) but I know His is better.

Pray for my friend Aice her son is giving his kidney to a friend in New York. Such mixed feelings, from being so proud of him to oh no. I think the surgery is on Thurs.

I am still in shock that we went already. It is Feb and you know that month is a fly by.
I am having the three boys and their girlfriends and the young neighbor couple over for a Valentine dinner. I used to love to do that for Mike. I told the girls to get all dressed up. I will just be the server. They all said they could come. Now I need to get all the decorations out. Valentines was a favorite of mine. I love red and purple together. wo; try to get this week a way to get the pictures on here. I wish Harold lived close he is so smart with all this. You would think that one of four could have had that gift.

Mollie, Madison and I are planning to drive to my girlfrieds in Hilton Head for spring break. I will get to see y friend that moved to Atlanta on the way down and Peggy the firend I took the cruise with on the way back. We think we can. Just the gas and Bec and I will cook. Yeah. I need to take advantage of the time, slower. This week is slower which is good because last week was smashed, it was great but buisy. I am loving doing hair. Everyday or close to it I thank GOd for letting my love my job I really don't know what I would do if someone tood me I had to go and sit in a cubicle all day. Really he would just have to get drugs for the other workers. How can you decorate a cublicle and pipe music youi want. Anyway for today I get to do what I love. I am getting many new clients which is always a challenge, to try and know what they are like and what will bless their lives. Good stuff.
I am feeling ready for spring. I moss seeing my neighbors all out. I get to see two little girls walk to school, I love that brings back precous memories, but besides that all are in and freezing.
Make a beautiful day. hug, hug, kiss, kiss ones you. In my chair I hear of so many who wished that they did.

2009-01-31T13:32:00.000-08:00

I don't even know where to start. I had such a wonderful time in Vegas. My sisters treated me as a totally my week. They took me to dinner we went to shows. I really had a relaxing time. My favorite was the Menopause Show. It was just hysterical. If it comes your way get some girls and go and see it. We walked and people watched. We got to see my cousin Jeff and family, we all went out to eat.It is such an amazing place. It was sorta sad to. To watch the people at the slot machines, they looked so sad. The first night I met up with 5 German men and an Irish man. O enjoyed watching them play Black Jack. The next night I got to watch a great band in out Excalibur place. Very enjoyable. Donna brought the invitations to the rehearsal dinner and we all set and glued and cut. I like that, fun just the three of us. One morning we all prayed together. I thought wow what a blessed women I am. How many people get to do that with their sisters. I see such fun things in them that are like my mom. We watched the president get signed in, historical for sure. Hard to come home, thought I might run away. A little too much reality some times. On my birthday I painted the rental that now Michael is going to move into. We cleaned carpets and put up curtains. Michael, Cara and Samuel and friends went to Hacienda and we had dinner. Mark had put a sign in the yard that told everyone that I was 50. The neighbors loved that. Angela and I went to the country western place. Michael had gotten me a crown, with necklace and ring. Very pretty. I enjoyed dancing so much. I love to country western dance. I had my first ask out. Such a gentleman. I know I looked at him like he had four eyes. He said he would like to take me to dinner. I was like are you kidding me in my head, like that did not just happen. After I said uh, I dont think I can, he was so nice to say well next time you are out here I"ll ask you again, and if not then the next time I will ask again. I told him I really appreciated that he was so nice about my scared to death look. I got to thinking about it. I was with Mike for 26 plus years. I don't think he really asked me out either. Maybe once to the senior thing. Most of the time we just did things together. Anyway it was nice to be asked out.
I am feeling so good about my money. I am getting things paid off and starting to be able to hit a budget. It feels so good.I really am so proud of myself. God has just blessed me beyond anything I can imagine. Duh, like scipture isn't true.
I came home to a really buisy week. I worked like crazy, very enjoyabe but taxing. It is funny how you can be off for a week, get home and feel like what work,? I worked today till like 2:30 and then hit the grocery store. I did not go the whole week.
Mike would have loved seeing the buildings there in Las Vegas, would have walked around with his head up staring.
I hope all is well with you. It is good for life to begin at 50. I am thnakful to have it behind me.. Just keep moving forward.
I am now so looking forward to Jesse's wedding. All three boys are in the wedding. They are so exicted to be encluded. Mollie and I are looking forward to squeezing Parker and Payton.
Love to you,

2009-01-15T06:14:00.000-08:00

I am so back into the swing of things. Having very good weeks. The kids are keeping me so busy, work and of course getting ready for my trip to Las Vegas. We have a cousin and family there and get to be with them and then Mary Beth has some fun things planned. I just can't wait to walk around in warmer weather. I love buildings. Mike and I spent much time looking at structure and architectural styles. I am so excited to just be away. To see a Vegas show. Wow. Donna is bringing the invitations to the rehearsal dinner and we get to put them together and address them. Good relaxing time. My mother and her two sisters used to take trips together.
Mollie and Samuel are taking finals this week. Fun they get to get off at 11. I love that. Brandon is back to school and Michael starts sometime next week. He is moving in with Brandon in our house on the Hill. I pray they do good together. They think it will be easier for them to work on the business. Things will all be in one place. Ok now I have another guest room Its time to come and visit. We love company.
Make a great day.

2009-01-07T20:20:00.000-08:00

oh my good ness what a fun time. I am in love with Monty an emily. I got to take Hannah downtown to a huge law building for her to interview. mollie and I and ema dn Monty ate lunch and then we went to the union station adn shopped around. I get such a kick out of emily's humor. they are so much funl Right when Hannha got done we came home to dinner. Cara had set the table and I got dinner ready. We hd so much fun. Hannah and Trevor went to dinner fo his birthday and then we all went to dinner for his dessert. It was so fun. I am so in lov ewith my neicese they are amazing women.
Trevor is taking Hannah to the bus station so that Monty and Emily can sleep; They have a long ride tomorrow to Abilene.
We are so excited to get to go to Jesse wedding. All of us counting down the days. Family is wonderful.

2009-01-06T16:33:00.000-08:00

Yesterday is history

Tomorrow is a mystery

Today is Gods gift that is why it is called a present...

Have a wonderful day!!!!!

2009-01-06T07:12:00.000-08:00

Back in the saddle again. I am so grateful that I love my job. I sometimes think I can't do it and I love it. I can't imagine hating it and still having to go and do a good job.

Ok I went to the GYN a year ago and he said oh no you are not menopausal. Now the last two nights I woke thinking someone had lit a fire under me. I turn the heat down to 55 at night. I thought oh something must be wrong with the heater (God forbid it would be something wrong with me) No it said 55. I went back to bed turning on the fan and wonderfing if I was sick. when it happened the next night I was like oh no not me menopause? Maybe it was all a bad dream and tonight will be different. I didn't sleep and decided this one was for sure a question I will aske God. Not that I have to understand everything but I get women having to do the baby thing because of Eve, the period thing, but I really can't understand why when all of that should be over we burn like you are dying. If any of you have been around me at all I run really hot anyway, so this is like what the heck?
Mollie has her Madrigal dinner friday night. I am really excited to go. Some friends are going to go ane watch her, I am so appreciative of that. I has been very hard for her to go back to school. The break was a wonderful blessing.
Samue woke with another migrain and went back to bed. I hate that for him. He did not get up ad take the medicine she gave him right when it started so maybe this will help him remember to do that.
I have a client any minute so God bless your day. Don't let anyone rob your joy. I do believe that is satans whole goal. Find something that can make you take your eyes off your blessings.

2009-01-02T17:11:00.000-08:00

Read the post before this one. I accidentally posted it before I was done.

The next morning we went to Mary Beth's the net morning. She is amazing We went to see y dad not too long after we got there. She takes such wonderful care of him. Cleaning his hands and nails, fixing him all up. She figured out a way that he could come to her home on a bus. They take the wheelchair door to door. She went and rode with him the next day. It was a better setting for the kids to be around him. His place is sorta hard. He looks really good to me. Mary Beth is an amazing cook. Always has it done or just able to put together quick.We left the next day. The second night we got to be with some old(not age) friends and have dinner with them. Special for me. Brandon and Michael went on the Mega Bus the night before so it was not as crowded. Hannah road hoe with us She is going back to Lawrence with Trevor her boyfriend. Emily and Monty will come over with Hannah to be with Trevor on the 7th. I am so lucky her boyfriend lives here so I get to see all of them more often. I was so glad Hannah was here for the new year. It was difficult to think it is 09. We went out for a drink and nacho's. Almost the only people in the place, came home to Trevor getting off in time to miss all the emergency room crazy's. I picked up Mollie right at midnight, it was a very hard evening for her. I can't stand for them to hurt so. Michael is moving in with Brandon on the 15th. They say it will be easier for them to keep up with their business. I am happy for them though I have a real hard time visualizing how all of that will work.
I am so glad that Christmas is over, it is hard to watch how things change and traditions change and become so different.
Mr. Don came over for the whole day. we made a budget for the next year. How much I need to make on a weekly basis, where and when I need to pay certain things. Oh my he worked for hours and hours. He is so faithful to helping me. I am so glad about the print out he made for me to see when bills are coming and were I need to stash money to be ready. FOr the first time since Mike died I see how I am going to be able to do it. I will be caught up enough by the time Samuels money SS ends in May. AWESOME!! I m so proud of myself. God has really been helping me make some changes in spending and having new and more clients. I feel like I am finally getting a handle on it all. I can't believe that I made so much money, for me. Others would'nt think so but I do and am so grateful. I can see the end of the tunnel. YIPPEEE!!
I get to go out with Mary Ann and Neil to a movie tonight. I work tomorrow and have all day thought it was Monday.
I just love my office. I think it is the best room in the house, That is a big change from dreading going in there. I have so much to learn but think I will be able to. I asked Don if he thought I would be able to do the books like he does. (long silence) sure Peggy I think someday you will be able to. He is such a Golden Retrever. I appreciate him so much. To think on your vacation day spend it is someone elses mess.
I am counting down going to Vegas with my sisters. I am gratefiul for the slow times in Jan and Feb. I am going to try and work on my photos again. I couldn't do it last time but maybe now.
After I get done working tomorrow I get to go and play volleyball with moms against girls. Watch out we are getting ready to kick ----. Should be a blast.
...May He enlightenthe eyes of your mind so tht you can see what hope His call holds for yoiu...Eph 1:18

I did lots of crying this last week. Had hurts I did not expect and then ones that I expected and they were worse then I thought. Mike and I loved bringing in a new year. I absolutely loved to get a kiss at midnight. I am sending kisses though the mail. Love to you and a Happy New Year. My dear friend who did Threads For Hope, her sister is still battling the Pancreatic cancer. Such heart ache.

Love

2009-01-02T16:50:00.001-08:00

I am delighted that the holidays are over. We went to Freds first and Sharona and Harold and Robert and Niki came there. It was so fun. Way too much food. We had some excitement. Michael, Brandon and Samuel took Freds truck to the field to go shooting. They got stuck, while all were out there wondering what to do. Fred walked around the garage and took a bad fall. Thank God he did not break a hip or worse. It scared the boys to death. Brandon said they used a paper towel roll fot the blood. he came to the back door and asked for ice for Granddaddy's face said he had fallen. Oh my gosh when he got to the house you would have thought he had been drug on his nose. In the end he had a broken hand and nose. He banged up his knees and had a cut that Sharon was nurse Jane. Fred bakes almost as good as mom. He keeps up the tradition of making her pound cake. (like non other) Then he taught Samuel and Kelsey (girlfriend) how to make peanut brittle. I ate I think my weight in that. It snowed and iced there, Sunday when we got up for church it was a twinkle wonderland. ALl of us went to freds church and then out to lunch. Sharon and I went shopping.
The next morning we got up and took some things back

2008-12-24T07:41:00.000-08:00

Good good morning. I am so thankful it is Christmas Eve. I am so excited about my kids presents. With Michael and Brandon starting there new business it was so easy to get the things that they would love. Samuel shopped with me for his. he needed boot jeans and sock, I don't really like that too much. I like to wrap and get all excited about it. But he was so happy. Mollie is easy to please. I can't wait. I missed telling Mike and talking about what to get family.

Such great news for Michael. He woke us up at early hours of the morning well really the middle of the night. He got straight A's. He woke Mollie to show her and then woke Samuel. I cried, I was so happy for him. We went out last night to celebrate. What a journey life is . Made of so many zigs and zags. I prefer that to the up and down thinking. I am almost giddy that the year is almost up. I am so grateful that I made it. That God cared so much for me and graciously lead me. I can't even really believe it is getting ready to be 09. Maybe I just like the thought of being further away from 07. Reguardless I am so thankful for the holiday time. I get to hug Sharon for her 50th, be with them, stay with Granddaddy, go to Mary Beths and Daves and see some friends there. Yeah. Then I get to see sweet emily and Monty in Jan. They are coming over for a day with Hannah. I get to benefit living in St. Louis, that is where Hannahs boyfriend lives and they are coming to meet him. Yeah. Then Mary Beth and Donna are taking me to Vegas for my 50th. I am so excited about that. We have never taken a trip just us three girls. Shows and spas here we come. It is so good to have something to look forward to. It does really help.

The one thing I know for sure is that GOd is good all the time. No matter what is going on in life I know He is good to me. I don't know why I get to have it so good, I am just grateful. I love that you have journeyed with us this year and loved us. I will talk again in 2009. Wow this is the year Samuel graduates. You say that his whole schooling and now it is here. Love it. He does so good and has been a real delight.

Hope you get to love on your families and of course tell them. Over and over how much they mean to you, find the time and make the effort that is my goal of 09. My girlfriend says often and I have adopted it "it is what it is" Doesnt that just say it all.

2008-12-19T06:47:00.000-08:00

Merry Merry week. I shouldn't have talked so soon about being slow. I just think everyone was caught off guard with Christmas coming so quick. I worked 7 days last week and then 6 this week. I started my shopping finally and feel really good now about their gifts. I would beg you to go to utube and look up Words on Women and strength by Kelly Corrigan. It is my thanks for you for Christmas. precious. My friend Lucia sent it. Too good.

God is good all the time it is just some times hard to get a handle on what is going on. Such a trust thing.

I miss so much telling Mike what I picked up and sharing our ideas for Christmas. I miss seeing his face. I miss the most on colds nights he would get into bed and I would wait for him to say in a cute voice "Cha la la" because it was so chilly. I miss his looking forward to going to his parents and my parents for the holidays. He was so glad when he could be off work. I miss his beautiful smile. We get cards and I miss getting to read them to him. I miss when he was sick lying in bed just watching him sleep. So many many hours spent with him the last years, Very precious to me.

I ask you to please pray for my friends D'Ann the friends who did the Threads for Hope. Her sister has stage our cancer and it is such a traumatic time of year. She is getting her things in order. Love to you,

2008-12-12T07:07:00.001-08:00

How did I get to the point of not being able to function well without a computer? They don't even like me. The computer store didn't know how I did it. To ruin two computers in a year and a half. I am special I told him. A powerful statistic. Duh I don't know. I have just been in tears many times over this mess. Best Buy does this 18 month no interest so I bought one. They simply said they would put all my stuff, ( I had so brilliantly bought a hard drive that automatically keeps your things. Since the last time al was lost Did I say I was special) So Mr. Don came over last night freaking out a little with me because I had no idea since No 26th what my money was or anything. Well guess what the file is there but we could not get it opened. That was the most important thing to him. The biggest deal to me was getting my blackberry to down load. Yeah that was accomplished. So for the 10th time I am heading back to the store.

I have felt so separated from my sister and niece, DId you notice my spelling, this computer tells you when it is wrong. Very irritating. How can you just go on and not go back an fix the red line. Work has been slower then I would have thought but I think God just knows what I can handle. So much has been going on. Michael and Brandon are picking up in their new business. They are doing yards and small indoor jobs. Will drywall a basement this Christmas break. They are almost done with finals. I am so ready for the holidays. I look forward to seeing all the families. I haven[t shopped yet, I think I will do that this next week, need to keep remembering it is Christmas, doesn't seem like it. Gail helped me to decorate. I didn't have any helpers with the kids. I don't know what I would have done without her. I had a dinner party for my friend Becky and Jeff who moved away. It was so relaxing, by the fire, doing just nothing. Loved it. Both the younger kids were away for the weekend It was so freeing to not be thinking do I need to pick up where are they on and on. I went to a fairy tale wedding. Michael was in it. So many flowers. I had never seen so many in one place. That is even almost considering in one place outside. Just gorgeous. We dance the whole time, just friends and Michael danced with me and we had a great time. I am off to work, love to you. Hi sweet Emily and Donna, Monty and Ed.

2008-12-09T18:50:00.000-08:00

I am so sorry I have not kept in touch. My computer is dead. It is new and dead. I am sick and am trying to figure out what to do. Love to you and Merry Christmas.

2008-11-19T13:02:00.000-08:00

I have been especially missing Mom Hope. I think it is the time of year and things I know she would enjoy. When she would come I would get to go shopping just because. I am not really a shopper but I loved that she would love everything. To go to the mall out to lunch. To Michael's Hobby shop. She just could walk in there forever. To pick out things would take her forever to make a decission. I never minded, found it relaxing really.
I got to go to the gym and then got dressed early to go and sit and hold the little Jude downthe street. He is just gorgeous, can't believe mine were ever that small. Started work and it has been a whirl wind I am not done yet. Have a 4:00. I am then going to go to dinner with her and then go to a openhouse net working type thing. I hope to paass out my cards and generate business.
Michael and Brandons business is now official "Hope Indoor/Outdoor Solutions. LLC," I am so proud of the way they are going about it. They met with their lawyer today and are still meeting with counselor. Evne though they are mine I can say I think they are the hardest working guys I know. Now if they can appreciate theri differences. They could really complement each other.
If you know any athletes, trainers or just someone who could bennefit from learning mind discipline,m easy steps. Give them the book "10 Minute Toughness" by Jason Selk It is a good book and has just come out.
I would love for you to pray for Samuel who will be going on a youth grief retreat on the 5th, 6th and 7th. I know he is absolutely hating to go. I pray he can get some good from it and enjoy his time. 10 get to go and there are 4 adults. It is with Annies Hope. A non profit organization. I am so grateful for groups that help like this one.
Jo and Don Shnell came by last night on their way to kids. It was good to see how awesome she is doing. A great attitude. It was encouraging how she said Mike helped to fight her cancer. She has made a decission to be joyful in the midst of suffering.
That is what our bible study is about. Philippians is a great book on the subject. I love where it talks of Think about these things, whatever is pure whatever is just whatever is lovely....then the God of peace. I didn't look it up so it is really paraphrased. It is so good to read. The do not be anxious about anything but in everything present your request to God.
Megan and I talked this am about how easy it is to get in the mind of oh know what is going to happen next. You know there will be something that is just life. Nut do we just wait and worry. It is easy to let your mind go there.
I hope you are getting excited to be with loved ones and family for the Thanksgiving holiday. I am so grateful for my memories. They are not haunting for today. But pleasant. Hug kiss all you love.

2008-11-12T07:09:00.001-08:00

Psalms 94:18-19 "When I said my foot is sliipping your love O Lord supported me. When anxiety was great within me your ocnsolation brought joy to my soul."

Mary beth came for a day and it was nice to be with her. I flet kinda yulky for a bit of it so I hated that. The kids are doing really good rightnow. I had them for dinner last night and it was really fun to listen to them and watch. Michael adn Brandon are starting a buisness together and are doing it so wisely. They are meeting with a couselor and other business owners. I am really proud of them. Praying that they will be able to appreciate their differences. It is really hard for me to believe that THanksgiving is so close. I am liking the days flying. I stuggle witht the dark and the and the grey days.
I am feeling mentally really good. I miss mom this time of year. Really anytime of year. Mike would be working so hard right now to be able to get off for a few days. I remember often how hard he worked. He was so faithful to take care of us.
I hope you are getting to be with friends and enjoying thinking of the holidays.
Kiss, kiss hug hug from me.

2008-11-05T07:11:00.000-08:00

i don't remember a prettier fall. We have had the 70s high and then low at night for a week. Tomorrow it is to change. I worked in the am and then Gay cmae over and helped me to take the screens off and clean the windows and then clean the storms and put them on. It is such a big job. It was so exciting to not have to do the bedroom and the bathroom. I have real windows on them. Too cool. The house looks so shiny. I then went back to work at 3:30 and worked till 7 or so. The bible study I have in the shop was last night and we were together till 10:30. We are studying Phillipians. I know GOd is getting ready to really work on all four of us. I love the group. Four REALLY strong women who challenge each other. I filled out the retreat form for Samuel to get to go to a all weekend one in Dec. He is totally not happy abou tit but I am insisting. I think he will learn and get some tools for later if not for now. I am praying that we are able to get in. They only take 10 at a time. Pray for that for me please. I am getting stronger all the time. My shoulder is not hurting and I don't have pain down my arm. Yippee. I am headingout side to get the stuff pu away and in the shed. I hae to put the screens there and the rest of the yard stuff and then I will be done with that . I can start on the leaves. Michael helped me the other day adn Samuel is helping today. I am goig to have him clean the gutters before the rain comes. Mollie helped yesturday so that wa nice.
I hope you are looking forward to the holidays. Mary Beth and Dave are coming on THanksgiving and Hannah from Calf. It is something to look forward to. Mary beth is coming this sunday for a few days. I have a huge wedding to do on sat. Then a shower on sunday. It is one of those buisy ones. I have had a few restful ones so no big deal. I feel the need to say I sure hope you are squeezing your loved ones and telling that they are wonderful. Make a great day.

2008-10-30T06:28:00.001-07:00

I know this may be really hard for many of you to believe but my baby boy is 18. Shock I know that I could possibly have a third son that age. I also am looking around for the old women who had these children. I just cant wrap my brain around it being me. I feel so young think I am so young and then I stand next to and crowd into my kitchen with 6'4", 6'1" and 6'41/2" boys and MOllie who keeps her elbows out. I then believe oh this is my life. Samuels girlfriend brought a cup cake with a candle this morning before school and woke him up. Very fun. I made oat meal for Michael and Mollie and took it to them, Michael in bed and MOllie already up. Samuel requested eggs and chees, I made that for Michael, Samuel and kelsey. I had already made his birhtday cake this am. I am now waiting for it to be ready to decorate. I don't work today till 10 so that was a nice mornig. I am still going to my guy who helps me to lift weights and exercise. I don't know what I would do with out him. (OH really I do know, nothing) My shoulders are not hurting anymore. I had had tingling donw one arm and kept a sore back and knee. I feel myself getting stronger, it is perfect timing. This time of year is really hard on the body. Everybody and their brother want to get there hair done. Great for me and now even better because I can handle it.
I got out pictures of the first year of samuels life. My heart couldn't be fuller. What an incredibly blessed women I am. I see those sweet babies and remember the fun I had raising them (that fun did stop for a few years I do not have amnesia) They are so cute.
We are waiting for our neighbor to have their new little baby. Trying not to ask, oh how are you doing and when do you think questions, but can't wait.
I finally got a neighbor boy to work for me some. I am really getting so behind on the house. He is leaving for Iraq in a month so I like being with him anyway. I have grape vines that are taking over parts of the yard I think it is now three years since they have been delt with. Everyone always says why aren't your boys doing that. Well theyu are in school working and like all kids. When I set a date and time they are so good to help. It is the everyday little things that I just need some help with. I ccan tell Philip what to do and he just does it. No attitude or a better way of doing it. The right way, you know.
School is great for the kids, they are all doing very well. Michael is making all A's so far. I am so proud of him. He is doing good here and keeping up with school For the moment all things seem calm. I am seeing God working in all our lives and for the moment mine is easy.
I have a bible study that started on Tue in the shop with four of us. I am going to like the stretching that we are going to get. It doens't start till 8:30 so we are all ready to settle in.
I hope you are getting to enjoy the cool wearther, I am needing the dark to go away some. The other night I was so weary and thought I just have to get in bed. I got all snuggled in and looked at the clock and it was 8:15. I thought oh brother is it ever going to be a long winter,
I see MIke everywhere. I put on his work pants that I use for painting to go to a neighbors house last night to paint, and it felt so strang to not hae him say something about them. Life goes on doesn't it?

2008-10-22T18:39:00.000-07:00

I feel like time is flying. The trees are changing so fast, and I am putting in lots of hours. For that I am grateful. I went to Mollie and Samuels conferences and it was just perfect. It was so wonderful to hear such great things about them. They make great grades and are doing it all on their own. I love that. We are waiting news of wether Samuel got into Mizzou, time, waiting, He is going to apply to other schools but I have a feeling that he wants to go there. Tonight waw the last night of volleyball. I miss when that is over. I am still wishing MOllie will go out for basketball. She is still thinking about it. I could swear it is friday. Mollie is going to a grief retreat this sat. I am so thankful she agreed to go. It is through BJC and is the whole day sat. She doesn't know anyone so I would love some prayers for her. Ithink that is hard to go into a situation not knowing anybody. Hope you are enjoying this gorgeous weather. I am so sick and tired of the uglies on TV, in my mail box and calling my phone. The election can not be too soon. Have a good day.

2008-10-16T05:23:00.000-07:00

Do you remember the lady I told you of who in her 80's decided to study the bible? Miss Betty, is her name. Not even knowing how to use a bible she got in there and did her lessons and went every week. Due to much prayer from her daughter through the years, funny when God answers prayers. To watch this little lady grow and change. To soften, be able to say she is sorry, to see life through new eyes. It has been such a faith builder for me to know that GOd does not give up on us, He is willing to continue to mold us even till the age of 87 (in two weeks)SHe had a stroke of Tues, God placed Debbie there right at the right time to get her to the hospital. I really really like this lady. I have thought of almost nothing but our time here and what we do with it. The family prayed and let her go. I felt so blessed to get to kiss her check and tell her that I loved her. You know it is so strange this job I have. I get to spend time with clients on such a consistant basis. Every week for 45 minute and every 4 weeks for an hour and a half. I got to here of her childraising years ( a baby died at 6 months that I find delightful she is now with) I want to be like her in many ways. She still exercises, (we were going to take zumba dance out to her and her friends) She does Thai Chi, were a pedomiter on her hip to see if she gets enough steps in for the day. I am so very thankful today that she was able to goes with such grace and dignity. Every week she seemed littler and weaker, and now to get to be walking on day and then gone in two. Wow what a gift. We talked of me doing her hair. The other week I asked her How she flet about dying and was she afraid. Her answer, no not of dying I just dont want to be left hanging around. Can you believe it, just doesn't want to be hanging around. I get to do her to do her hair, for me it is a sacrid thing to get to make her look just like herself. I think really if I went to a service and saw a friend look totally different it would be all I could do to not crawl up there and fix it. My girlfriend lucille 89 said you had better fix it I would be embarassed for you, I know you would have to huddle up there and make it look right. My heart hurts. I beeped her offmy blackberry and just cried. It is now a day to celebrate. SHe was very helpful for me when Mike died.
God just places people in our lives to fill them and grow from them. I am getting to many poeples hair that have cancer or their spouses have canceer. Isn't God amazing to do that for them and me. My business is growing like crazy. It is always a tipping point where my cuts are finally seen and I get to blossom. It has been in Gods timing for sure. I am not able to do more, I am lifting weights with a trainer and my shoulder is better, no timngling in my figers and my back is strong. I feel so glad that I can get through a day and not be like I need to go to bed. He is so good to me.
I am dreaming of getting to go to a fun place with my sisters. They are planning a get away for me for my 50th birthday. Too cool. It is a great mind place. I can think and dream of the get away. SOmetimes I think it is the thinking of something that is the best for me. I used to tell MIke lets just plan something we really didnt't have to go I like the antisipating.
I have been ready some books on growth and dreams, getting some career coaching. I am making a dream chart. Or a vision chart. Very interesting, You cut out magazine pictures and put it on the poster board. I at one point cut out a man with glasses grey hair, handsome, Michael asked who in the heck is that, I told he that was my someday husband. What a look, good conversation later. He said he flet good about it becasue dad said he wanted me to but I didnt really need to talk of it. I had pictures of my grandchildren. (later, much later) It is good to know that GOd is going to give you more than you can ask or imagine. I dream big, it is good to see it and pray for it.
I hope you are getting to enjoy this absolutely gorgeous weather. The leaves are so pretty. I wish, Emily, MOnty and my Donna were here to play in this weather. I don't know how pople live where there isn't a fall, (watch that is where I will move to someday) Oh well for now I can't imagine. It is just invigerating.

2008-10-12T10:54:00.000-07:00

No way is it the 13thof Oct. I feel like the days are flying. They say when you are older the days fly well what a scary thought I think I will just be turning in circles with years coming and going if they go any faster. It is gorgeous outside and I should be out doing chores but can't get myself up to do it. The inside is just as needy. I went with my friend Angela and her daughter with Samuel to Springfield to do some college visits. We went to Drury and Missouri State. It was a fast 24 hour trip but very fun. I enjoyed being with Samuel so much, his humor is great. I iddn't go to church this morning. I cooked biscuits and gravy and Brandon and his friend came over. I was going to go late and just didn't want to. Didn't feel like people.
Samuel is going to get to visit the neurologist and then get an MRI for his head problems. Hasn't had any problems resently so I pray it is going away. The sight has been good, Michael and Brandon were moving a big washer dryer unit and it went down the stairs over Michaels head and landed on him. I am so grateful that he is ok. Very sore but nothing damaged. It is always something isn't it?
The leaves are turning and it is so beautiful. I am doing ok with the darker so far. Trying some new things that will help. I am schedualing clients through Christmas that is so weid. It is like 11 weeks till then (fun fact no charge) Our Jesse (donnas son my sister) is getting married in March. I didn't remember if I said tht or not. It is something so fun to look forward to.
GOd is grwoing me for sure. I am working on myself right now. What do I want to be and what needs to change to make that happen. Godd things just hard for me. I am really working on my business and growing it.
I had a scare from SS they sent a letter saying Samuel would not be able to get his money after the Oct 30 when he turns 18. I had filled out papers and had the school send notification that he is still in school. I had gotten all the stuff turned in so I sorta freaked when I go thte notice. (why do I do that) I got on the phone and waited and waited and talked and talked, found out oh It is all turned in it won't be done till he graduates in May. What a relief. I hate stuff like that the up and downs that come so fast. Grateful though for sure.
I miss MIke, and Mom will have been gone the 17th for one year. Mike the 16th a year and 3 months. It seems so unreal. I wish I oculd tell him of all the changes I am making and what I am wanting, goals and stuff. They are very different from what they would be if he were here. Strange how our lives change so sudden. I signed up to get to send Mollie to a day camp for grieving. I am praying it is something that will bless her life. She is such a wonderful person I hate that I watch her hurt. All of us are changed forever. That is so hard to deal with. Nothing is the same and never will be the same. Everyday I see things that will never be. SOme I will say are good and but most are just plan hard.
I ask for prayers for health and strength to keep working at this pace. I love my job so much and for that I am so thankful. It is still such an adjustment. I don't keep up very well and when I am done I am done. Mentally and physically. It is very challenging to be on so much. Everyday I see myself getting better at it. God is good allt he time.

2008-09-29T07:19:00.000-07:00

It's a rainy monday. We left for school by 5:30 for volleyball. It was so good to come back to bed and sleep another couple of hours. I liked that. Kari came to have cereal with me. She has been sick for a coupld of weeks and can't seem to get batter all the way. I am exercising at 10:30 and then going to take the vacume to the fixer. Another exciting day. I work this afternoon till late. Still have to clean the shop it is a mess. We have had a hard weekend. Just getting on the same page with talking and chores. Same ol same ol, I am missing Mike really bad this last week. I think I am missing Jane more then ever. Mollie and I decided it is the looking forward to holidays and things like that. She always has so9me new craft or idea. It ill be one year on the 17th of this month. Impossible. Love to you

2008-09-28T06:22:00.000-07:00

Mollie had a volleyball tournament yesturday, that she didn't tell me about till around 10 the night before. I really wanted to go to it but had planned the day. Being so excited to not get going so early and have a laid back day. So much for that. I enjoyed watching her so much. They won 5out of 6 matches, they played really awesome better then ever. They ended up coming in 3rd. Not too bad and one up from last year I did the dumbest thing last night. I watched a movie friends had told me not to watch for a year or so after Mike's death. I was in the video store and thought oh I should watch that Iheard it was so good. "PS I Love you" I ended up crying till like 3 in the morning. A cry like I have not had in so long. I went donw to Michaels room at around 1 he was asleep but the lights were still on and he had just layed down on the top not yet in for the evening. I crawled in bed with him and cried some more. I think what was so disturbing among many things was how long I looked for a note from Mike thinking surely he wrote me one. Michael said he had so wished for one too. The anger that I felt that he did not do that was horrible. So many friends had told him to leave a note to the kids a friend had even bought birthday cards to make it easy for him. These were friends that ha been left without a father or a spouse. Mike had ity on his list but it did not get done. He was always searching for hte perfect words to say. When it would have been so good to read how much he loves us. He had marked off his list and when I found that There was the part to take me to the BOtanical garden and get his letters written and the statement for the younger kids graduation. I am amazed at the things I do and id dthat I thought so important. I looked at the list and the things he thought so important I sure could have done without some. They were things he wanted to do for us. DOn't get me wrong I am so grateful. It was just hard to watch the movie. I learned alot of things I did that I sure could have done different.
Mollie and I are visiting a friends church with their family today. I miss MIke so much. Last night I didn't think I could hurt so much again. It is so tiring this grieving thing. It hits when you are not ready nor expecting it.

2008-09-08T10:19:00.000-07:00

My girlfriend had a wonderful report. Her bladder cancer has been gone for some time. She is 86 and she only needs to have one more visit and then she doesn't have to go anymore. I was thrilled. I had very mixed emotions at the center. It was so weird waiting in the office getting the blood drawn and waiting for the results. So many memories brought back. It made me glad for Mo Bap and the new cancer center. This hospital wasn't personnel, no calling yoiu by name and knowing who you are. She was just a number. I was so glad we didn't experience that. The weather is so beautiful. I got to clean out beside the garage. It was a big job, has been needing to be done for so long. It is almost done.
I get to go to lunch with a friend she just called and is turning around to get me. Fun, fun.

2008-09-04T06:42:00.001-07:00

It was a june clevor morning. I love that. I got up early, made lunches and took Mollie down oatmeal, felt like I was organized, (a great feeling for those of you who are and don't know what it is like to not be) I did some hair and now I get to take my neighbor to get her results back from the testing she did last week. It is her 6 month check up on bladder cancer. I love her. I think she is 85, and makes a wonderful girlfriend. I start doin ghair again at 2. am not going to Mollie's game it is far away and I missed the last two days going to games, so I will work late tonight. All three boys went to MOllies first game and two of then came to her second. I think we will find out about Samuels mono today. He is so dragging. Hey what happened to the writing. I don't know what I did. It is raining and 70, a big break from what it has been. I am trying to get up and turn all the lights on in the house and try not to think of dark coming.
Our Jesse is getting married for sure on the 7th of March. All the kids are trying to figure out games and scheduals to be able to come. They decided that they might have to drive one day and back the day after. I am so looking forward to going. It is our first boy to marry in the family. My guys keep saying wow can you believe that Jesse is getting married. Make a wonderful day, it is ours for the taking.

2008-09-01T10:32:00.001-07:00

Mollie had to be at school for volleyball at 5:45, I came home and then slept some. I went to breakfast with Peggy, oh my did I ever need that, I had not been with her since Feb. Last night was good for the soul. I felt sad that I had been crying and such a downer. This morning Deb said when the girls get together it is what it needs to be. I couldn't have helped it I dont think.

Peggy gave me this and I had forgotten it,

'EVERYTHING WILL BE OK IN THE END... IF IT NOT OK IT'S NOT THE END...

2008-08-31T12:29:00.000-07:00

Ok I have been writing for 20 minutes because I have stuggled so this last week and GOd had sent my sister to help me to be able to get through the first week of school. I don't know where that letter went but I think it was pretty discouraging. It just lef the page. Oh well. I guess I needed to vent to myself.
Last week when I thought oh no this is it I can't do it any more, house yard, kids , school, money, groceries. The whole thing. I was getting a heavey chest. DOnna came and was so good to be ecxcited for the kids starting school. SHe got up and made breakfast and helped with the lunches. I know I wouldn't have been able to do it. I feel better. She got all the ironing done, while I cleaned out the closet and put my room back together. It was the messiest since Mike has died. It ws so helpful.She was like this is so fun to get to send off kids to school. I miss those days. I needed to hear that. It is so easy to not see what a blessing things are. It is easy to let satan rob the joy. I feel like that is the direction I have been going. Like no way can I keep up with this all, no way is it that I can keep the energy it takes to chase this house, job, and yard. I feel now that I can see what a gift to have a house, job and kids. It was a good perspective to get from her.
I wrote the leading up to why I was in such a funk and it doesn't mnatter what matters is that God sent the McCulloughs to email me a song that they heard at a concert. I came in from sorta freking out on things and there was this song of "Iwill rise and know no pain, I will rise and ride on the wings of eagles..." Something like that. It was perfect for the moment I was in. The was GOd uses people is so amazing to me. That He would care that I was hurting so bad and by myself in the office crtyign and then to turn on this song. It was a faith strengthener for me. I reminds me that when the Holy Spirit nudges you it is so good to listenwe have no idea what is happening in the heavens. Wwe just do out part. Make the call, tell someone what you have been called to tell. Write a letter send a note. I thanked them for listening.
We get to have the youth group over for volleyball and grilling. That will be fun, I hve the stuff left form the other party so it is so good to get to use it.

A great GOd story. Don had told me to put money in the family account, didn't really have the amount that it would take. Guess what while DOnna and I were cleaning out the closet I went through my purses. One little wallet that Mike and I took on trips had dollars in it. I though oh fun money, Oh no it was $320, Just what the doctor ordered. What a gift. I don't understand how on earth I am so taken care of but I just say thank you.
I am going to send this message because it is acting weird again. I won't rewrite this.

2008-08-27T12:19:00.000-07:00

I have enjoyed being with Donna so much. We have crawled up in bed and I am reading a story to her. She is painting the entrance way. We mixed to gether some of the paints I have and made a nice beige. I am working, lots of space inbetween clients so I can keep coming in and can see her work hard. I didn't have a curtain in the bathroom so Donna and I got a bottom one to keep others from seeing in. Plain white, and it looks great. You have to duck when you get out of the shower so this will be nice. I know MOllie will love it. Back to work.

2008-08-24T20:00:00.000-07:00

Saturday was a buisy day. Talk about hot. The volleyball girls and parents came over and I think we all had a good (hot) time. I couldn't have done it without Michael. He was very helpful. Samuel had gotten some kind of food poison so he was under the weather.
I enjoyed hearing of Mollie and Samuels interaction down in the basement. There was a small bag that Mollie put in Samuels room, he then put it in hers. When he was sleeping she placed it back in his. While she was gone Samuel put it in her drawer. Samuel in the shower it went under his mattress pad. Back and forth they went. She was laughing while telling me. I was donw on her bed folding with her when she opened the door to the bag. I lloved that. Brandon started school this last week and likes his classes. Michael, Mollie and Samuel start tomorrow. Mollie has to be there at 5:45 for volleyball., I think that a little silly on the first day of school.
I think I am struggling more then I have for a while. ALl seems way to big. I got the yard mowed, and all the dishes put back together. I am trying to get things for a garage sale. I have the things in MIke's attic of the garage., Boxes of nails and screws, this and that. I am not selling any tools, the kids will want them. I want to have the tools also.
Back to struggling. I think as you know I say that character is much over rated. I feel like I am in the learning stage again, how I do friends, what kind of a friend am I? ALl the things we ask ourselves in different stages of life. How I treat the kids, on and on. I have felt a urgency around me, like oh no the trees are changing am I ready? FOr what I don't know. I just keep getting that feeling. I enjoyed riding the mower tonight praying for the kids. I find I am not doing that very much lately. Just in a survivor mode. Hoping I have all things ready for school, work, house making meals. Things that usually are very easy for me are not. Weird for sure. DOn came over on Sat, I made a big fat F, I am determined to work harder on all that. I just was lost and couldn't be found. Now I am found and I don't like where I am at. He is so patient. I do want to learn and make a good way for the kids. It is a big learning time for me.
My father continues to go down hill. DOnna has been in Lawrence seeing him and Mary Beth, She will come here tomorrow. I am so thankful for that.,

2008-08-22T06:35:00.000-07:00

This is the day the Lord has made I WILL rejoice and be glad in it. I have said that to myself today. It is so easy for me to get in the oh my gosh stage. Really "OH MY GOSH" I have a hard time with school this year. Mollie and I both fell apart the other day. FOr me it was the leaves on the trees turning. I actually thought how on earth is that possible. I already did that. I thought I was on the just once time line. EWe both decided that it is like we thought get through this one year and things will be back to normal. Duh like we don't know he isn't coming home. I lay there thinking "no this isn't what I can do. I already did this and it sucked" Molie has started volleyball and is looking forward to choir. I am so thankful for that.
My yard was full of weeds. I mean the kind that are up to your chest. I have never had them like that. I say it is the rain. I filled 12 bags of weeds. It feels so much better. Tomorrow we are having the whole volleyball teams over the 9th, JV and the varsity. It is for a bar b que. It will be fun, we are setting up the volleyball net, the ping pong, (outside) and the basketball court will be available. I think they will have fun. I am glad now that I weeded.
I haven't done anything for the kids getting ready for school. I told them today we will. Yesturday I went to Sams and then the regular store. I felt so bad, Samuel said to me mom I can't spend any more money on dinner can you cook. SOmething like that. I haven't cooked in forever. I have been working late and then well it just doesn't happen. Michael has been movving back in. I am really having a good attitude about it. I think it will be so good for him. Our prayer has been that his roomates cousin moves in and takes the contract. We will know this weekend.
I have pulled out all of my disshes and I am goind through all of them. I haven't been through the china hutch in forever. I am packing up some and putting then in boxes, so the kids will know what they are,. SOme our our wedding dishes. I like the room to put dishes I use and others use, easier to get to.
Tonight I am having 6 or so women over for dinner. I am making chili and salad. I am so looking forward to it. I have not been with them in a long time and the first time on my porch usually we go to one of the other girls porches. I am so psyched to sit and visit.
My sister Donna is coming in again. I can't wait. She did not get to go back to Nigeria because they are trying to be available to Eds parents. Our Jesse, DOnna's son is engaged. I am so happy for him.
Everyday I see God. Mostly He is so clear in nature. When I stop and look at a lady bug,(all male) and wonder why He would put little dots just so I can see His handy work. I am grateful.
All you have to do it watch now the walnut trees starting to yellow and little bits of the dog wood and see the uncovering of the earth. Putting it to bed. That is what my mom would say. Look at the pattern of putting it to bed. It is in order one type of tree at a time.
The group I am in for the hospital has been so good. They are really working at making it a better place for the patient. I was asked to go to a meeting yesturday and talk. It was with 9 of the out linning hospitals executives. I was so appreciative that they want to hear a patient opinion, Really neat people. I had prayed to be able to help make it a better place for patients. I am one who is going to get what my family needs reguarless no matter what. Others are shy and feel scared to go and get things or ask questions. I am so glad GOd is using me.

Oh when Samuel helped put all the groceries away he kept saying oh wow mom thanks. Bless his heart. What a bad mom. Oh well.

2008-08-10T15:43:00.000-07:00

Trying to get my brain wrapped around school starting. I am so not ready. Haven't done a thing for the kids. I keep saying oh next week.
Please pray for Mollie she starts try outs for volleyball. I pray she doesn not have the IBS episodes while they are trying out. They have two a days for a while and then the regular practices after tryouts.
I got to work with my neighbors on saturday. We scraped and painted the sofet and facia. I know I spelt that wrong, but you get the idea. We worked from 9-7 and it looks so great. They put their house on the market today. I hate that they are leaving the neighborhood but I know we will still get together and be good friends. If you are looking for a house that needs absolutely nothing done on the inside or the outside this is it. So cute. Of course great neighbors. Hannah my neice is in town again this weekend. We are so glad I just love to be with her. Donna didn't get to go back to Africa, Eds parents are needing attention so she is staying here. I will get to see her. I am really glad about that. I thought it would be Christmas until I got to see her again. I am glad that hospice is caring for my father, I know that is so helpful for Mary Beth. It would be good to have help.
Michael is moving back into the house. He is going to go to college full time this fall. It will be great help for him to not have an apartment to pay for. I do want to be encouraging to him. He is so smart and has so many gifts, I really want him to knock down the associates degree. We had a man living with us this weekend. It is a great story of God faithfulness. My neighbor is now ingaged to him. He and his wife were really good friends with her. She died and now they continued a friendship that has turned into love. God has so directed such a precious path. I have jsut loved watching it all unfold. He stayed here form wed. to fri, they now have a date and plans in action. Hannah stayed in the other guest room. I have loved having the space to share. Michael will be in the one down stairs. I will still have one room open. COme and see me. I would love it for sure. God continues to be so faithful to me. I am amazed at all the ways He shows me just to strengthen my faith. Make a wonderful week.

2008-08-06T06:28:00.001-07:00

Mary Beth got my father on hospice. He has been failing, she will now get more help and others looking in on him. It is so terrribly sad to see. He is not able to walk but a few steps to get to his wheelchair. Stays in bed and sleeps. She is doing such a great job of caring for him. This week she is at church camp as a nurse. I know it helps to know that others are watching him closer. He has fallen several times.
I started getting the packets for school. I felt myself get all tense. How rediculous is that. To fill out all the paperwork. There are so many checks to go with each paper. You know it isn't rocket science. (feels like it), I got it all filled out, now to make sure I remember the safe place I put it all. I miss my girlfriends that moved this summer. It is so strange to drive by the area where they live and think oh I should stop by.
I say again if you have not read the Shack do, it is hard to get into, like the first half of the book then it is such a sweet story and so challenging in my thinking of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.
FOr the first time since I have had children I am glad school is starting. That is sad for me. I am tryihg to see it as just another stage is life. I was a wonderfully weird summer. I am so thankful for the times that I got to be and do things with loved ones and yet it wasn't like summer at all. I haven't said for a while, it is so important we tell out loved ones that we do love them. I encourage you to write a note, hug, kiss, touch them. It is so easy for me to get past the day and think did I touch them when they went by, say and encouraging word. Satan has so many negatives in the world. Where else in life do they get all of this but from us.
I feel and see GOd's presence everyday., FOr that I am so grateful. I really don't know what I would do. I ofund myself in my bed just sitting thinking I don't think I am going to get up. ALong came Debbie at the right time I know sent by GOd., She sat up in bed with me and talked shared funny stories, asked me what she could do. Michael came along and got in bed too. I know it was good for him to be there.
He is moving back into the house. I prayed abou tit and asked him to. Michael has been offered help to go back to school. Having his own apartment is so expensive. I do want him to be successful, and he would like to go more hours and get this over. I think he has a year. For me (if you know our relationship) this will be a really tough time. I know it is God who is calling me to have him here., I am really working on being welcoming. He is such fun guy, has great energy, I want to look on that, set my boundaries, and know the best is on the way. It will be hard for him too. It is always hard to move home. He is ready I think to get it going. I am going to try and help him move in this weekend. I would like to get it over and some things settled before school starts for the other kids.
It is so hard to think of the trees changing colors. It was like I just had to do this by myself once. Then all would be better. Not true. I talked with a grief counselor. She was so good to tell me of the 18-24 month time. That seems to be a harder time for people who have lost loved ones. I was so glad to talk to her. She is so good about not saying it will be for sure but some people. When I was told so many times in such sure ways that it is so much easier after the one year I believed it like it was truth. Now I find out it is so not. After the one year it is usually harder for a while. You face that this is forever not just gearing up for one year to get through the firsts.
I think I am doing as well as I can be. There are many disappoinments in life after death. (That sounded funny) Firends change, you know longer are a couple to do things with, church is so much different, all thinks are different. It is a daily adjustment.
Did I tell you that my brother in law David told me to put together a list of things I needed done. You didn't have to ask me that twice. He fixed the drawers in the office. They have been driving me crazy for so long. Mollies light, my toilet seat...It was awesome. Fred that same weekend worked on the paper shredder, my girlfriend used it and it got stuck. It was broken and Fred bought me a new one. It is so great to have things working.
I was so proud of myself to put up the smoke carbon detectors by myself. Granite it took a long time but they are up. Wooo , hooooo

Make a great day.

2008-07-31T09:08:00.000-07:00

No way it is July 31st. I think the last few weeks have been a blur. It was a good day for us on the 16th. I went to lunch with the boys and then worked. Friends were good to stop by. It ws so nice to think others renenbered that it is one year and they missed him.
Fred, Sharon, Mary Beth, Dave and Hannah came for the party we had o the 25th. Our friends that Penningtons came and sang a song he had written on the day MIke died. It was good to be together. The monument cane in was placed on the grave not set but to where we could go and look at it.Sharon, Fred and the kids and I went. I was surprised at how much I liked it. It really is so pretty and is so different then all the ones around ours. I hadn't looked at others, but then once it was out there. We were so suprised to get to have some friends of ours from forever come to town. We got to have dinner with the McCulloughs and Mary Beth, Dave and Hannah and friend. I enjoyed that so much. I just didnt want the evening to end. I am starting to think of school starting andthe schedual changing so. I feel like I have just gottne the one I am on down.
My new favorite saying.

Live your life in a way so that when your feet touch the ground in the morning, satan shudders and says "Oh shit, she's awake."
Thats my goal. It couldnt be said better to me. You just don't get the effect with crap.

I am glad we are past the one year. Not that much is changed but it is just another mile marker. Make a wonderful weekend. Hugs and kisses and words of love.

2008-07-15T05:39:00.000-07:00

I found this this am and it was yesturdays post forgot to push the post.

The monument for Mike was to be in by the 16th and now it will not. I am trying to see if it will be in for the 25th. Sharon and Fred will be here on the 23rd and the Pennington's will be here the 25th. Hannah comes in on the 25th. I am praying it will I really want Sharon and Fred to see it.
I start work in a bit. I got up really early to go out and water and pick some flowers for the shop. My zenias are gorgeous. I tried to get back in and the door had locked. Samuel doesn't have windows in his room so it was heck trying to wake him. I am sure it looked silly me poounding on the living room window. It was the one above his room. I was calling at the same time. Finally this bear sounding voice. The four of us are going out to eat at 3 tomorrow. I would like to go by the grave. I think the kids want to. Brandon has to go to work so that is why we are going early. I am going to stay in the day and keep remembering sweet times. I am sick to my stomach much of the time trying not to cry and go to bed. I am thankful for the choice today, and that I am able to make it. I am grateful to not be in depression and not able to get out. I am so glad I can physically work as hard as I do. How precious is health? From what I can see the kids seem to be doing well. They talk, cry some and are very good to me. (most of the time) The other part I think is normal and try to not take it personnel. My friend that is a counselor made a good point. With a week like we are having it could go either way. All could cry most of the time or there will be anger and frustration that has nothing to do with, except hurting.
I ran out of checks, my brain is not working right. I went to the bank and ordered more and picked up 20 made ones to pay bills. I cna't find them anywhere. That kind of stuff makes me angry. Mike was such a good finder. I walk around thinking what on earth can be so hard about this.
Remember today what a special man Mike was, thank you for loving us.

2008-07-13T10:30:00.000-07:00

Ashley came into town on Friday night. We watched a movie. It was nice, I haven't done that in I can't even remember. It is hard for me to think I can sit that long. We ate pizza and relaxed. I love being with her. I worked on Sat and then in the evening I did some of the pictures for our trip in the kids albums. It felt good to get some of that done. Ashley came home late and we all went to bed. I got up this sunday morning and decided that I would go through all of MIke's cards. I have been saving them, wanting to go throught them again. I think there had to be over a 1000 I quite counting. It was such an encouragement to me. SOme of you wrote so many cards. I think you spent a fortune sending us love. I really loved reading and seeing the names. I now can throw them away. The box has just sat there, me not being able to get rid of it. I found some of the writings that I had wanted. I found the letter MIke wrote to Michael for his graduation. He will love that. Written in his dads hand. Mom Hope wrote so many cards and so did Linda Anderson. I couldn't believe how many she sent MIke. Now both of them are gone. It is so weird. WHat all has gone on in the last two years. Tears are so often, I am isolating some and need to. I am liking being able to just cry around the house.
"For He Himself has said, I will never lewave you nor forsake you." So we may boldly say: "The Lord is my helper: I will not fear" Hebrews 13:5,6
I need to hear those words. Fear of how on earth is all of this true. I love him, I need him here, I feel lost sometimes, like the world is not right. I can't do it all on my own. Things break the gutters were full again and Samuel and I were running out in the rain trying to keep the basemnt from flooding. How many times did Mike empty them? Those things seem so small but believe me they seem like mountains to me.
Mollie is gone, I am glad she went on hte trip, I feel like I can mope more. I worked the most I have ever in my life last week. FOr that I am very grateful. It is the busiest week in my 6. It was good to sit with Brandon and Samuel and explain how the business is growing. Everyday I see how good God is to me. I feel His care on me. When I cry out to Him, I know he is right there with me. I am so glad I see His works in my life. He is so good to show Himself in so many little and big things. I still hurt, can't breath and feel like it is happening all over again. I have not had a hard time picutring Mike in the bed but these days I don't even like the living room, I see him so clearly. I see MOm in my shop, I see LInda in her bed. It is like I am having a brain stick in the dead department. I am trying to realize this too shall pass, it is part of the grief and I have learned it does not go away.
I found cards that I wrote to Mike, ones when he would be struggling and they are now comfort to me, funny how things go around.

THis one card that ezpressed just what I wanted, was so precious to read

I want to live and love with you and be one foever, to be near you so I can reach out and touch you, to make love with you, to talk with you, and be silent with you, to hold you close every night and wakw up with you each morning...I want to share my secrets with you and be honest with you, to understand and respect you, accepting you as you are to find shelter in you when I am afraid and hold you when I need warmth, to be with you through all seasons, walking with you in the sunshine and cuddling you in the cold. I want to care foryou when you are ill and be joyful with you when you are happy, to grow old with you and be with you until the end of time. I want all of these things with you only. I would do all of these things for you only. To you I give all of my love.

I gave that card to MIke on many a Valentines day. To read it now and realize none of it is still possible. It is quit an eye opener. I do love that poem and funny how in there it said I would lvoe to care for him. I really did feel honored to get to take care of him. Ok enough of the going on and on.
Thank you again for the way you have walked this walk with me. For the cards too, they were great the second time through.

2008-07-10T15:45:00.000-07:00

I have decided that cameras and I don't get along. I now can't seem to get the pictures off the camera onto the computer. Oh well. I will figure it out soon. I have been avoiding writing. There was so many great things that happened with Sharon and I in COlorado. We got to be with her grandchildren (Iam the great aunt, I will remind them often just how great I am) They are just adorable and I have darling pictures to put on. My first God story was when we got at the cottages, they had told me on the phone they only had one cabin that had been canceled. It was not the one that I wanted Sharon to stay in. Where the boys and Mike went fly fishing and we love. They had told me 12 and when we got there tehy said 17 which is the perfect cabin. We froze the first night, one more thing that was not my job, turning on the room heater. We couldn't get it. Sharon showers in the am and I could swear that I saw my breath. It was so perfect to be with life friends. I was glad we stayed where we did. It was very hard and everyday has been harder. I think I thought oh when the year is here it will be easier. I am really struggling. I cannot get the pictures of the last weeks out of my mind. They are there at all points. Wishing I had not encouraged him to go ahead and get the stint, wondering how I missed how much pain he would have been in taking me to the fireworks and then dying 12 days later. I can with my brain understand all but my mind and heart it is seeming impossible. Mollie had a wonderful time at camp. Two of our girls were bapitised, Mike would have just loved to have been a part of that. Then I started thinking of Mike and Mollie's bapitsm she was 3 days before he died. If you remember the boys with Mark and Don carried MIke out to the back where we had filled a pool. It was strang because usually people stay and talk to the one who made that decision and we just hurried him back in and really didn't pay too much attention to it. My friend Debbie had a great idea of me buying her a cross and having someone give it to her with a note on her spiritual birthday. I did that and am so glad. Sharon and my trip was just perfect. I missed her terribly when I rode home to St. Louis by myself. I tell people that we laughed and peed our way across Kansas and COlorado. Very good to have tackled that. I was also glad that we stayed a short time. I got to be with Hannah and Emily and Monty. I loved that. It was so good to be with Mary Beth and David. Sharon and I stopped and spent time with my dad in Lawrence. I was glad she went with me. Sharon and Mike have so many qualities alike. She is very patient and kind like him. I loved when he was with me with my dad. It was one of the best visits I have had with him in years. He told me how glad he was that I had come. Squeezed my leg and then he sorta went away into another story that wasn't on track. I hugged him from above where he was sitting and couldn't quit crying. It is so sad to see someone who is so , so intelligent not able to keep a conversation.
I have been back at work buisy, buisy. These next 2 1/1 weeks are my ones that have grown to a good amount of work. For that I am thankful.
Mollie leaves for Maine tomorrow for a mission trip. She will be gone for 11 days. She will be gone for Mike's one year. I am struggling with her gone for so long. I know it will be ok.
I feel like I work so hard in a day to not just cry all the time. It doens't take anything for me to start tearing. In some sort of wierd way you think oh we have done this for the whole year now it is time to go back to normal. I can't do it anymore. DOn't want to be responsible, make all the decissions. So many pelople told me that once you have gotten through all the firsts it will be so much easier. I don't know where they got there info but it is so not true for me. Now it is like screaming this is your life. You just thought you would have to do this this one time, now you know it is forever.

Invitation. Please come to a dinner at our home on the 25th of July. Our friends the Pennington's from Thailand are coming. We want to encourage them and get to be with them but also Russ wrote a song for MIke. He came and sang with the kids and Tracy when Mike was sick. They are special to MIke, they crawled up on his bed and sang to him. It ment so much. Russ is going to sing the song honoring MIke. It will be our one year. Bring a lawn chair. Give me a call. 452-5552

2008-06-24T07:01:00.000-07:00

I forgot to look so if I am repeating myself stop reading. On last thur I cut the fatty part of my fing finger off. Not huge jusat really annoying. My typing has really declined. Denise came and sahpooed for me last night. She idd a great job. I was so grateful. It had become a harried night anyway so I don't know what I would have doen without her. I made the wrapping on it this morning smaller so I can put on gloves today. Herb came last night and worked on my computer. It is wqonderful how God uses people who you don't even know they will be used. Samuel said to me mom that guy has been here for 8 hours. He couldn't believe it. I was so thankful. I didn't know I should be more careful wqith my computer and that I should have my own stuff. I work today and keep getting ready to go and get Sharon and then we go and see her son and grandbabies. I am realy ready to be in the car with her and enjoying time. Mike had forever wanted his family to go to colorado. I think it is one of his favorite places. Well I know it is. I am going to show Sharon the places he loved to go. We have been doing this together for 26 years he went with us before we were married. Michael started going when he was 6 weeks. Mike hauled him all over colorado. My dad and mom have done this for us for all these years. Precious family memories.
Mollie goes to her camp that week. She is loving the camp thing. I am so glad. Samuels job is kinding of fading out. They are not buisy enough for bussers. We had Jason and his family over the other night. I cried when they left. Mike would have just enjoyed himself so much. All my kids were there and it was an obvious void. The days have been more painful. Our favorite holiday is the 4th. He kissed me the first time on the 4th. We love the fireworks and pic nicing. The last fourth he took me to the fireworks display in Webster, it was such a struggle to get there. He wanted it so bad. To think he died 12 days later is jut not possible to me. The year before that we were in Estes laying on a blanket with dear friends. I have that memeory burneed on my brain like it was yesturday. This has been a much harder time then I expected. I feel drained and somewhat depressed. Weary that all of this is me from now on. Like it hasn't been the last year. Funny howq the brain is so protective. Make a great day. Love to you,

2008-06-21T05:13:00.000-07:00

On Thurs I was wondering why on earth I didn't have clients, Thurs afternoon the last snip of a boys hair using the thinning sheers, I cut the fatty part of the side of my ring finger off. A hole there appereared. I couldn't believe it. I looked on my scissors and there was a little piece of my finger. Samuel was home and I oculd not get it stopped bleeding. I went to the new Urgnet ccar right down the block. I missed Mike so much. He would have come right over and bewen so sweet. In 28 years of hair I would have2 made big bets that there is no way you could cut with sheers like that. It throbs so much. You wouldn't think something so small could hurt so bad.
I cut some yesterday, men tole them I couldn't wash their hair. Today my girlfriend Gail is coming to wash and rinse color for me. I am very grateful, it's terrible timing for this. (you know my timing.) Family Bible Camp is this frid so I would be in trouble to not be able to get everyone done.
Mollie comes home this am. Michael is going to get her. She will love that. I can't waitfor her to see her room in the basemment. A friends daughters old boyfriend I hired to put the drop ceiling in. If you ever need a good worker I have one. Her is the nicest guy and does good work. He grew up with a father who was a carpenter and now he is in the electrical union. He does this on the side. I now have a drop ceiong in with insulation. I was just the wood floor btween us. Every work you could hear, at times I would think that was a good thing (listening to wether the boys were sneaking out or not) Now it is just so hard to sleep with her with gilrfriends spending the night. I looks just like a room now too. I love it. I cleaned and cleaned yesturday, Gail helped me to decorate and put the clothes in place. I already have the drop in Samuels room but it never got the tile so mon I am going to get the insulation and the tile put in.
Now this is hard to type with this big ol finger. Deb and Gail brought dinner last nigth and we watched the fire flies. The evening was chilly for them and they were snuggled up in blankets. A beautiful evening. I love that porch and wish for Mike everyday to sit with me. It is good to sit with friends. I have really enjoyed Samuel while Mollie was gone.
brandons car someone knifed the two front tires. So irritating. Thank you for the prayers for our family it give me much peace. When it is hard for me to pray I am grateful for yours.

2008-06-18T08:56:00.001-07:00

I had a very nice fathers day. The kids and I had a fish fry. It is the fish that they caught in Kentucky. When Don and Mark got there I felt a lttle weird. I wqas told that I got crabby all of a sudden. I think it ws just so obvious that Mke was missing. Two friends came over last night at 7 or so. They came bearing gifts of cheese fun crackers and dips and wine. We sat out on the porch and watched the firebugs. It ws such a relaxing time. I enjoyed it so much. I am reading a book called "The Shack" It is so good. Really hard to get into in the beginning but then it teaches so much on God, Jesus and the Holy Spitit. Paining Mollie's old room today. Beige. It is going to be my room that I do the pictures in., (right) anyway that is the goal. I am soexcited to get MOllie's room done downstairs. She will be so thrilled. I feel like some things are coming together. I just can't let things get behine. It just does me in. I then fet paralyzed, too much to do so why start. Intelligent I know but that is how it is.

2008-06-14T19:52:00.001-07:00

The rainbow was the greatest gift. It ws the whole thing and double. You couldn't ask for a better beginning of a trip. Funny do you see a mother in these pictures? I love looking at the pictures. It is hard to even believe that we were there. It seems like it was so long ago. We are really back in the swing.
Mollie leaves for camp. She is volunteering this week as a dish washer. Mary Beth here is her address.
Mollie Hope'
Camp Ne o tez
6266 Big River Heights Rd
Desoto. Mo 63020

She is there ti8ll Sat.
If you have not read the book "The Last Lecture" It is really good. The lady I met on vacation gave it to me to read. She has been caring for her husband for 20 years. (fun fact no charge)

2008-06-13T05:06:00.000-07:00

I worked in the am and then had a break, to get Mollies girlfriend a birthday present and then I pulled weeds. I did hair again and Christy and I decided to go to eat where Samuel works. He had just been let off. (releases the last three days, slow to keep bussers) It was so nice he came back and ate with us. It was neat to see him talk and share with her. School, colleges that kind of stuff. We then met her husband at the piano bar in Maplewood. If you have not been there and love musick you have to go. It was so entertaining. They bring in artists from all over the country. During dinner Michael called sounding like he was crying. I went outside and he said Mom do you know what happened at work. I had a moment of my mind going crazy. Now know he did not work while on vacation and then he has been sick. He told me that this man he waits on all the time, gave him #350 and told him he wanted him to know how proud his dad would be of him. God is amazing. How obvious of a God story is that. The Brandon called and he has had a car that won't start, We have jumped it and then started trying to figure out how to get it from the city to the auto place. Our insurance is so service oriented. I told him that we had road side, (we have never used) I know he was thinking $$$$. They said oh sure we will pick it up in the mroning. The started that they thought it was was $600. He called and said you won't believe, it isn't the started it is the battery. I guess the battery was so dead it wouldn't even take a charge enough to have the starter make noise. I just loved those two stories. Sometimes I feel like I am the one to keep trying to figure it all out and help the kids. When I am at peace and just let God deal with them and work with them. I get to watch how resourceful and loving our Father is. It was so encouraging. I then got dropped off at Mary Ann and got to swim and jog around in the pool. I very nice evening. I am up early to pick up MOllie so she can be back here to be ready to go to the camp for the last day. I work and then get to take lunch to my friend who is moving. SOme of the packers are coming today. I am pick up for the kids today and then MOllie wants to go to the praise service in the Kirkwood park that Greentree is putting on. The church puts it on and then the next day the church has a service day. I am going to work tomorrow, but won't in the afternoon. There are some graduation parties for some friends of mines kids this weekend. It will be fun to pouch bases with old friends. I am struggling going to our family camp. I don't think I can do it. It is something that Mike and I did since even before we were married. I am trying to figure out what is a good way. I really want to be with my neices from Nigeria and California. Just working throgh anxiexy. I dont' have my glasses on so I hope you can read this.
I keep thinking of the scripture at how GOd delights in us with singing. Now that is cool. Make a great day. I last night with a client was so reminded how it is so important that we are loving on, hugging, telling those we love how much that mean to us. Words of encouragement are so valuable

2008-06-12T10:39:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am getting into the swing a little better. I spent last night enjoying Becky, her son Rob and the guy who lives with them. She moves on Tues. I am really excited for them. I looked forward to watching all GOd has in store for them. We actuall solved the world by 1:00 in the morning. Now that isn't bad for a days work. It was such a nice evening. I haven't been out that late in who knows when. I have a few hours during the day today. Mollie wants me to go and pick up her friends birthday certificate. Icouldn't get her there yesturday. The house is backed up but desided that I just don't care right now and I will again I'm sure. (maybe)
DOn't you love these wedding pictures? It was such a special time. I wish my boys had been there. Sharon got Lyms desease from one of the ticks. While they were traveling to the beach she noticed the circles. Went to a urgent care and they think they got it early enough. They loved her sweet meat./I will get on the vacation ones soon. Michael has been sicky, Samuel is enjoying friends and summer. Mollie is still at the camp where she works from 9-3:30. SHe likes the little girls. Brandon has been working in this heat, mowing, racking and so much yard stuff. His car is broken so he is getting it towed today. We have never used out insurance co. towing. It worked out so good they just said oh we will be over in the morning. I really would like to be at the pool. It is very hot right now. The spring was so spoiling. Love to you,

2008-06-09T12:08:00.000-07:00

While I was gone to the wedding the down spouts clogged up and the basement flooded about 3 feel in from the wall. When I talked to Samuel he had said it was getting ready to rain again, I told him how to go out and empty the down spouts. I was so upset I love my basement. I keep a dehumidifier and a filterer on all the time. Michael had had Samuel check the drain to the airconditioner, finding it was working. I got to go out to dinner at a gilrfriends, flet relaxed more then I had earlier in the day feeling overwhelmed gettting back into the swing. 1:00 samuel comes into my room saying 3/4's of his room is soaking. I flew out of bed, the air conditioner hose had been crumpled when it was checked. Water was everywhere. We put the shop vac to it and towels and two fans and put the dehumidifier in his closet. I swear satan is constantly trying to rob your joy. I was so tired and struggling anyway and then several things started going south. I just hate that. I went to bed so late trying to keep my mind clear of the why oh why symdrom.
I have been working in the yard mowing most of the day. I had to take my weed eater in it broke right when I started. I haven't been to the grocery store yet since we got back. samuel is going to do that tonight while I work. I have a client coming in just a sec, I am trying to figure out some scheduals for summer. It is hard for the kids to be coming in so late when I have to work the next day. Mike would go to sleep in the summers and I would stay in bed longer in the mornings. Now I feel like I am not sleeping but 5-6 hours a night and that is not enough for me. It is all just an adjustment. It is our first summer without MIke. I think this has been one of the harder things to adjust to yet. We loved mowing and doing chores together. Grilling and sitting out side watching the kids and just planning always planning. It is fun to dream and that is something I am lacking. I am trying to work on this.
My sweet girlfriend of forever it seems leaves on the 29th. Friends are such gifts. I call her a forever friend. When you get back together you can just start right where you left off. It will be more purposeful to see her now. It is strange to go to church and Linda not be there. I thought oh I guess they are gone for the weekend. Duh, no just gone. The yard is blooming so beautiful right now. I have tomatoes on the vine. I love that. I am ready to start picking. I do intend not to let my joy be snatched. I plan on making a great evening. Thank you so much for the way you pray for our family. I have aspecial request it is for Samuel to do AWESOME on his ACT. It is all saturday morning on the 14th. Thank you for that. He is so smart and it would be great for him to get help woith school. Love to you,

2008-06-08T14:50:00.000-07:00

Ashleys wedding was just perfect. It was so good to be with Fred and his friends I like them so much. Really precious couples. It was good to cry with them and miss Jane so much. Her empty place was huge. I missed her so much. Mollie and I struggled so much when we saw Uncle Harold walking donw the isle. Mollie just crumpled into my arms. It was the feeling again of not being able to breath. Then we left early to be able to come home and leave the next mroning. Ashley was so beautiful. I really like her Chris. Mostly I love to see Mark and Robert and just to watch them. I have the cutest pictres of Mark and his boys. Rachel looks so great and is such a good mommy. You wouldn't have believed the area they built out in a field to dance. A huge dance floor with lights all around it. They put lights on the trailors, fences and archway. Chirs worked so hard to make it just like they wanted. We set on bails of hay. Now the one complaint I had was the ticks. I have definately gotten soft to the city. I was surprised at myself. Sharon got a big ol tick on her that casued a big mark. After that I could feel them everywhere. I got to do the family's hair for the wedding, it is fun to be a part. We mulched, did other chores. Really Sharon did most I just got to take some credit. Sharon and Harold worked so hard making it nice. A great example for me.

I borrowed my father in laws camera. I can't seem to get the right charger for it. It will take me some time to get the pictures on. I just wanted to tell you how wonderful our time together was. The kids were so grateful for the trip. They so needed to relax. ALl of them have been working so hard and keeping it together. I didn't no how much I could use that kind of stillness. The kids net so many other kids and had a nice time just hanging with them. I realized just how alone is. They went off and did there thing and I would usually enjoy just doing nothing with Mike. We would lay around with me devouring books and him just enjoying watching people. I didn't have Rudy so it was even weirder. I think it was hard on all children when they saw a dad playing with his kids. One of the things Mike was GREAT at was playing. He would let them jump to him as many times as they wanted, me around 5 times and I am ok lets you do something else. I did play lots of volleyball with other guests. I got so burned. It was a blast. I am surprised at how competative I am. Like they didn't want to keep score, (now what is the deal with that) I did enjoy myself it was just another kind of learning what it is like to vacation without your loved one. So many things you jsut do becasue you enjoy it together. God had me meet some really special people, a couple whos husband and wife died of fcancer after their marriage of f25 and 33 years. They have now been together for 5 years. It was good for them to talk of how hard it was for them. I learned so much from them. I did get to Atlanta where my girlfriend Linda moved to, I called her and then cried for the rest of the trip home off and on. I think it hit me that I didn't want to come home and start being responsible again. I was convinced that there was no way that I could do it. I had been trying it and it just isn't for me.

We did have some exciting adventures there. We got stopped by the police ones who happened to be crooks. I wanted to press the point and the boys were like just pay the man. It was tense for sure for a bit. I thought we were all going to be hauled off to jail. He pocketed the money. (now that really burned me) We then got on the wrong bus to go snorkeling, got off ont he highway to walk across the traffic and try again. I did feel responsible for everything. I did try to ask and deligate but in the end it seemed to be my fault. I go many complaint of my driving and not a great job once. A little frustrating and I tried not to take it personally. I seemed extra sensitive; like I had thought it would be like always. Silly I know. I seem to miss him so much right now. I saw so many older people with their sweeties. It was precious to watch. I did do alot of that. The kids did enjoy each other that was great to see. Samuel loved that the drinking law in Mexico was 15. My big argument was that you can't drink till 21, I definately lost this one. It was strang to have them order beer at dinner. They helped pay and figure out the money. I appreciated seeing the ways that everyone has grown and pitched in.
Today I power washed the porch, it had not been done since we finished it and was starting to stain. I put the sealer on. Iscrubbed the furniture and now it is drying.
I was so tired I couldn't even feel like I could stand anymore. I came into the cool to write. I went to Brandons to try and get his car to jump but it wouldn't, he is going to work on it, then I went and picked up Rudy, I was so excited to get her. I really did miss that little dog. I pray you make a great week. I am going to work hard on mine.

2008-05-26T20:26:00.000-07:00

I have a great GOd Story. I have struggled so the last few days with things. My older camry had the windows down and Brandon and I had been to the Home Depot to pick up a canapy that he bought for his deck. It wouldn't fit in his car. He drove, reguardless we could not find the keys. He had the other set. His phone does not come till Tues, couldn't get ahold of him. It started to rain and I was out in the rain trying to get the car to roll down the drive into the garage. The wheel would not turn. Michael tried to help me finally he put big trash bags in the windows. The next morning I woke to what had been a terrible stormm things blown everywhere. I was heading to my friend in Difiance to be out in the country, (gorgeous, I had a wonderful time) The bags had blown in and the car was flooded. I was tonight out trying to shop vac the car. Tomorrow when it suns out I will open all doors and dry it out. ALl this to say what a frustrating day. There was much more and I won't bore you. ALl in all I came inside so hot that I decided to turn on the air conditioner in the house. Something (God) told me to check the hose that runs to the sump pump. I kept not wanting to do it becasue MOllie was asleep and has had a bad head ache. I couldn't get it off my mind and went down there. I looked in there and it was full. I oculdn't believe it. I dont' know how on earth we did not flood. It was just a gift from GOd for sure. Now me turning on the air it would have flooded for sure. The punmp was unplugged for some reason. All these things that are so overwhelming I am so grateful for the nudges. I am so very tired this weekend. Got some things done and am trying to get the house together so when we leave it won't be so bad. I feel like I don't turn around till we leave for Kansas. I get to have lunch with Linda tomorrow, they are leaving, I just can't stand it. I will miss her at church so much. I like to make faces at her. She'll always make them back. Becky is packing and they are saying there goodbyes. The Linda party was today. I already went to Jeff and Beckys too weird. It is not that I see these friends everyday but I know I could if I needed to. ALways willing to get together and both husbands travel. I call them my married single friends. I feel so sad, I try to look forward to visiting. I think in the fall would be good. The kids start finals this week and then they are done. Yeah. I think of where we were starting school last year with MIke being gone for just a month. I really don't know how they did it. I am so proud of all four of them. Fred made it where I could order the monument. I am praying it will get here for the one year. The kids don't know that I am trying to do that. None of us went today for Memorial day. I didn't even put out my flags. Next year I will.
I had the best gret away to the country I felt like I had really taken a road trip, very relaxing. It is such an adjustment to work full time. I am struggling with juggling things like all women I think, now I feel like I can't get the chores done. The kids are helping, some things I am learning that need to be done that I didn't know. I have some anxuety about the kids being home and me working. I have to have boundaries for them coming in and talking andcalling. I will work it out it is just more thought process then I am able right now.

I have loved this recently."I praise your greatnessm, my GOd the KIn;
I will praise you forever and ever.
I will praise you evey day;
I will praise you forever and ever.
The Lord is great and worthy of our praisel
no one can understand how great He is.
Ps 145: 1-3

I will announce the name of the Lord.
Praise GOd becasue He is great!
He is like a rock; what He does is perfect,
and He is always fair.'
He is faithful GTod who does no wrong,
who is right and fair.
Deuteronomy 32:3-4

It is good to be reminded that all He does is fair and perfect. His way not mine. (even thought I have some pretty good ideas) I keep telling HIm of them.
Love to you, Make a great week.

2008-05-21T06:39:00.000-07:00

God is amazing, just look at what he does just for us.
Can you stand how beautiful these pictures are. I just love it. This year all people look like master gardeners. We have had so much rain. I have been so blue with all the rain and now look what I get from it. My garden is just perfect.
Debbie and I went and ordered Mike's stone. I am so glad she went to look and edit the writings. I sorta felt like I was in a fog. It was so weird to his name on a paper telling of his death "WHAT" how can that be. He is to set with me today and look at the garden. I am very pleased with what is on it.

Michael Lee
5/6/60 - 7/16/07 HOPE

His greatest blessing: Michael Dennis, Brandon Todd, Samuel Gene, and Mollie Lynn.
The love of his life: Peggy Lynn
Then there is a drawing of a hammer, screwdriver, and a saw with the caption,
Master woodworker, second only to One.

"I fought the fight, I finished the race, I kept the faith." 11Tim 4:7

Debbie was good on spelling and quotation stuff. I love the lay out and it is going to be so good for the kids to have it done. I think I could have never put one there but now that it is one its way I am very thankful. Fred did this for us and I couldn't be more grateful. The kids will be so happy. I do find that I like it there it is peaceful. Did I tell yoiu he was put under a Huge oak tree. I thought I did.

I have a very very long day. My shoulder is still giving me such grief. Pooh on that. Michael went to visit Sharon and Granddaddy,. He was so glad he went he really needed that.
Brandon is going to run a lacrosse camp this summer and is getting the flyers out tonight. I pray it is successful. Samuel is working at a new resteraunt. I am glad he has a job. I really needed him to get one for the summer. Mollie is counting downthe days.
She is going to move into Michael's old room. It is so big and her room is the smallest. I think she will love having the setting area room for friends. Theyu stay down there anyway. I prasie GOd everyday for continuing to get me through all of this. He is so good to me.. I am really the m ost blessed women I know. I day won't go by that I don't think why on earth do I get to have it so easy. I just give thanks, We are eager to see Ashley get married and to be a part of all the fun. Make a great day!! I intend to.

2008-05-12T09:29:00.000-07:00

I had a very nice Mothers Day. I went to sevices with Mollie and the church had put on a wonderful brunch. So nice. Roses on the tables, good food and so nice to see the families together. I had started crying on the way to church and then really struggled keeping it together during services. Mollie and I left early it wasn't what I could do.
The boys were home for the day. They decided to watch a movie and went and got Shrek 3. We all fit on the sofa, they went to sleep I enjoyed them all being there. What more could you want. They took me to eat at Fo Man Chu. A new resteraunt in Maplewood, Samuel works there. It was soooo good. I had a nice time. Samuel had worked Sat. night from 6:30 till 2:30. He had to close it was the first time so it took some time. He likes the place and I hope he does good there. It isn't too far to drive and a place that I know the manager.Th SUN is shining. It has been a while for me to get all excited about the day. I have been up doing chores since 6:30. I have been behind for a while. The usual you know how that is. The porch is cleaned off and the outside blown.
Brandon had a job this morning, he was over loading the tailor and off so early. He is getting a yard ready to sod. IT is amazing to me how hard he works. So many jobs going and still serving at the resteraunt. He has much to pay for and never complains. So much rain so he hasn't been able to mow as much as he would like. Michael gets off on Mondays so he is going to go and hoot with a friend. He really likes that. ALl the kids like the outdoors. I am trying to plan a camping trip somehwere in souther Missouri for Fathers day. I don't think I can do church or really be at the house. That was a very special day for us. I like to do things for birthdays and celebrations. It just sorta seems hollow right now. I know it will change, but for right now it sure is a killer.
Mollie and I are looking forward to Ashleys wedding. I get to do the hair. Hopefully to be a worker for the day.
It is funny how a day changes for the rest of your life. The 16th will always be different, the 17th for Mom. I missed her so terribly yesturday. I love how she always remembers me and sends fun things and cards. She was so good at that. I was thinking of how she would be up to making little things for the wedding. Arts and crafting all the way. I got to talk to Fred, I like that. His voice is comforting. SOmetimes when I first hear it I cry. Mollie is counting down the days for school to be out. I am too. It will be so nice not figuring how is she getting home, and just the whole thing has been tough this year. I am sorta not liking the idea of the kids in late, not being able to have the house after 10 to myself. I do love summer. Enjoy the sun and the week.

2008-05-06T21:24:00.001-07:00

I worked late afternoon, after picking up Mollie and going to the grocery store to get the dinner for Mike's birthday. Samuel had a lacrosse game that we were all at. It was so wonderful, our neighbors from across the street went to the game too. I came home and cooked dinner thinking that it was so totally weird to cook his favorite meal and him to not show up. Mollie had to stay for the second game she is the score keeper, so the guys had to wait to eat. If you have boys you know how that is.
I got out a piece of paper and had them talk about what we are going to put on his stone. I got it finished by the time they all left. Dinner was good. I started to pray and then cried and couldn't finish. Silence followed, then a good conversation for dinner. They all cleaned up everything without being asked. It was a group affair and I really enjoyed that. Since we had missed being with Michael for his birthday we all told him what we liked about him. That is my favorite part, I love to hear them say things to each other.
At 9 two sweet friends came over. One celebrating finishing a counseling degree, one celebrating packing part of the house and getting that off her chest and me celebrating the day being over. We sat by the fire an djust chatted and laughed and enjoyed life together. I really needed it. At 11:15 they went home and I felt like I had made it through another mile stone. One that I had dreaded. Id on't know why I dread GOd always and I mean always works it out for me.
I go to the Dr. tomorrow in the morning and then work late afternoon until the evening.
I am going to go to the stone place to order MIke's tomb stone. I think I have had such a hard time with that because it is like it is so final to see the 5/6/60-6/16/07. Like it isn't final already. I guess to see it in the ground would mean he is not coming back, it is finished, never agian to think he would just be driving in the drive at any minute. Today I worked on some things in the yard and I got excited to think that I would show MIke. It is funny how he intertained me with letting me show him all I did in a day. He really liked it when I would show him around at what I did. Now it is myself that I show. Different places in the yard I did for him because it is where he would look the most or where he sat. The void is so huge. I want to encourage you to love on your mates. It takes so little time to show love and appreciation. To have your kids honor their parent. Make the time, kiss, hug, tell, tell, tell them of all the things taht you love about them. It is midnight and I am heading to bed feeling like I did a good job of today. Thank you for the prayers and phone calls.
My D'Ann called today and said for me to celebrate all the great birthdays that I did for mIke. It is true I did do up birthdays. I had fun thinking of the surprised and kidnapping him and taking him away. Good time.

2008-05-05T08:08:00.000-07:00

I wanted to put this on the last blog and forgot. DOnna shared this with me, she had gotten it by email, so good.
"LIVE YOUR LIFE IN SUCH A WAY THAT WHEN YOUR FEET HIT THE FLOOR IN THE MORNING, SATAN SHUDDERS AND SAYS, "OH NO, SHE AWAKE".

Love it.

2008-05-05T06:57:00.000-07:00

Donna's gone so it was a little blue this am. Actually really blue. I had looked so forward for so long now it is over. She is the one who gets up and makes the coffee. I don't usually make it, it was so nice to have her just in the house. Mollie stayed home sick, not just a mental health day. I think it could be alergies. She is still sleeping. I woke to a girlfriend who's dryer went bad and she needed to use mine. Michael and Brandon get home today. I have missed them. Tomorrow will be MIke's birthday, I think we are going to do dinner together. Michael and I talked about a balloon launch. I don't know what to do really, will put some thought into it today. The yard is so pretty, I enjoy it so much. Samuel slept out on the porch on the chase, I should have taken a picture. Mike slept out there so much. My brain feels so foggy. I can't begin to tell you how your brain just isn't the same.
I went to Mike's grave when Donna and Mary Beth were here. DOnna had not seen it. I keep thinking about it. It look so sunken and yulky. I am going to order the stone. Is see why the kids don't like it out there. I think on his birthday I am going to have them draw the took box for me. They are all good at the arts, just to do a part of it. It is the same price to etch a picture and words.
Our friends that our missionariesin Thailand are back in the states. Some of you will remember Russ, Tracy, and the children up in bed singing to Mike. They are precious friends that have battled for Christ in Thailand for 15 years. I am having a Bar B Que for them and honoring MIke. Russ has written a song for Mike and I am going to have him play it. Please put that on your calendar to come. I think it is at 5:00. It would mean so much for me to have you come. Volleyball, Bache ball, lacrosse, friebie, Que, and fun fellowship will be had by all. Other friends of the Pennington's are helping with the Bar B Que so dont be shy there will be so many new friends to meet. Kids are the most welcome. A driveway for chalk and kids toys. If it is so hot I will put out a kids pool.
Make a wonderful week. I sometimes well really many times a day, I am blown away at how God cares for us. I look at nature and love His creativity.
I got to go to Maez,Il. Gina and I walked around a little festival full of antiques, a little river ran through the town that was established in 1850. The water was so clear and made sweet sounds. Heavey wookds, rock buildings, It was a perfect morning, I then got to go and watch Mollie play softball. I spent the late afternoon and evening at a friends helping them get ready for a graduation party. what an honor to get your marriage and familoy counseling. I have several friends later in life that got that degree. Duh! wonder why God give me so many wise friends or is it I need that much counseling. Oh well I love it either way. So proud of them. I dug and dug, it is good for the soul.

2008-05-03T19:07:00.001-07:00

The three boys went to Oregon for Michael's birthday which is tomorrow. He will be 22. They are hiking and having adventures. Seeing water falls and the ocean. Samuel came back to go to prom. Donna has gotten to be with me for a week. She goes home tomorrow. I have felt sorta normal. I haven't done too much and just enjoyed sitting and we watched CNN and movies. It is good to disuss the predidency together.
Samuel looked so wonderful for prom. I wworked today fixing hair for prom and then got to go to Forest Park to where so many of the kids were taking pictures. I couldn't contain myself. I hugged Samuel and he held me. I cried, he looked so good. I wished for MIke so bad. Mike's birthday is on Tuesday. I am really struggling with that. We are going to try and do some special things and cook his favorite meal. Love to you,

2008-04-23T17:57:00.000-07:00

Both my sisters where here for a couple of days and then they went to Lawrence for a few days. Donna will be back for a week with me. I have so many things I want to do. Things I normally don't do. I want to go to the Botanical garden, a few garden places to look, and just relax. Of course get some projects in. Todd left this poem on my phone saying this is for Mollie. I just couldn't believe he wrote this. I feel good that he is expressing his grief. First Mollie went to COlorado for National competition in choir. Oh my gosh they took it all. Gold, trophies, placks, great complements from the judges. I don't think they could have won more. They took best over all, on and on. I am so proud of them.

Why We Cry

In every life there is a time,
I'm excvited to tell you mine.

Here we shed a tear and start to cry,
It happpens to everyone don't be shy.

When someone we love goes away,
We loved them so much we have to pay.

They work all hours to give us life,
He loved no one more then his wife.

The toughest nan I've ever knew,
Men like him are very few.

His laugh, his whistle lightened my day,
My favorite memory in the hamock we lay.

When my super hero started to die,
This is when I began to cry.

The cry hasn't stopped for about nine months,
This is because I loved him so much.

I know he watches everyday,
So I go on and continue to play.

The day he died still haunts my dreams,
When he took his last breath I started to scream.

The pain over time has started to numb,
If youi think it stops you sure are dumb.

You would have been lucky to shake his hand,
Not everyone was so blessed to meet this man.

Wipe your tear and stand up taller,
Because we know this was our father.

Brandon Hope

I have listened to it on my phone so many times. It has been healing for me also. Mollie was so sad that Mike had not gotten to see her perform in choir. Really we all just want to be tucked in one more time.
I worked this am and then mowed and worked starting at 4. It was a gorgeous day, I rode the riding mower, that was so hard. I have such burned in my brain of Mike on it. He just loved to mow. I miss him.

2008-04-17T06:38:00.000-07:00

It is harder to keep up with the emails so I am writing. I miss it too. I don't seem to be able to write in the journal like I would like to. These pictures are of Mollie's birthday party, it was such a fun time. It is a neat group of kids. I really like watching them. There are so many different groups of kids. Emily, this is for you. Donna comes on Sunday and then Mary Beth comes for a day on Monday, then they leave and go to Lawrence and be with my dad. Donna will come back and stay with me for 8 days. I am so excited to not be in a hurry and she will be able to be here for a while. I have many things I am thinking of doing.
Mollie left to go on the choir competition in Colorado. She will be gone till Sunday. It is a good break for me to not wonder if I need to get her and to be home when she is. She is an easy person to miss. Michael is working hard doubles on d

Last Blog

2008-04-03T20:06:00.001-07:00

Thank you for being so encouraging to us. I think I am done with the blogging. I am ready to journal and work on my own stuff. It is to easy to just vent on here. I love that you love us and would love to get an email now and then to keep up. It was such a wonderful day around the house. I didn't work till 5, just cleaned the kitchen cooked dinner and did the chores, ran some errands and then watched "You've GOt Mail". Such a great movie. It flet good to have dinner on and the house picked up. It was so nice to just be doing nothing. I have a buisy day tomorrow. God contiues to send new clients my way. Thank you if you are the ones sending them. I do appreciate it. It will be just a matter of time till I fill up like I was when I worked before my mom died. I didn't even take any new clients. Patience, you know they say it is a virtue. Mike would always say when I said you know they say. "Who in the heck is they?" I miss him terribly these days. More and more I see how my life is so different forever. God does provide strength and courage to keep going and making each day a new gift. Love , Peggy

Thank you, thank you

2008-04-03T12:10:00.000-07:00

Prayers answered,.
I got ahold of the secondary insurance guy, he was very good at explaining. Sorta felt bad like I haden't done the best for TOdd but duh you do what you can. He ended up settling with the Pro Rehab and TOdd is abel to start again with the physical therapy. Woo hoo. I now am calling the other places and working on them.
I had the best time with TOdd and Michael yesturday. Michael and I picked up Todd from the univ. and took him to lunch. They needed to go to the store so I told them I would give them each $50. They have been struggling some. Todd hasn't started his lawns yet and that is where lots of his money comes from. Michael it was the first an rent and stuff, you know how it all is. I had the very best time watching them in the store. They started out in the sane cart (that did not last long at all) To watch them look at the backs of boxes discussing ingrediants, and prices was histarical. I needed it. It was like going to a movie. A comedy. If you know Michael at all he is a silly guy. Running into TOdd ,zooming past. I just was so proud, watching them. The funniest part was when we were at Bread CO. TOdd mensioned us being there last week. Michael said what is this like you guys come here every week. We said oh no probably twice a week. He looked like he was two and just missed out on the biggest day of his life. We laughed so hard., He is a fun one to play with. I took TOdd to his car and then took Michael to the bank to get a money order and we ran around some more. I had needed a good relief. Samuel had his ACT class so I didn't see him much yesturday. Mollie is having such a sad time right now. I am sure she is just dreading her birthday. The thought of her daddy not there is just too much. I have been crying so much, I am just tired of it all. It is rainging again. Yesturday was such a treat there was sun. I didnt work today at all, just didn't have thte business it is one of the weeks that is still slow. I got a new client today and one the other. It just takes time. I went to see Jason yesturday. He talked mostly about money and my plan. GOdd to think of. I hate paper work. Ido think it is getting so much easier. I don't put it off like I used to. I am on Quicken now and I think it is easier to put on the computer.
I am almost done paying for MIke, that is something I am so proud of. GOd continues to bless me in so many ways.
The kids are estatic about getting to use my friends time share. They come in an look on the internet and talk all abou twhat we are going to do. It will be the first time we do something together as a new family. It will be a month before the one year.
Mike had a 10gallon jar he put change in for years. It was what he wanted to take the kids on a trip with. I have had peoplesay well how in the world can you guys do that. You would not believe how so many act like you shouldn't get to dfo anything becasue you struggle with money. I do feel good about taking the kids on the trip. I used the money in the jar for airfare. It took me a long time to decide to do it. That is what Jason was talking to me about. WHy not paying for bils. It is a hard to come to terms getting to do things so special, gifts of trips, when there have been people who sacrificed to help. I guess I just wanted you to know we are not taking trips on others money. So now you know and won't say well how in the world do they get to do that? Both nmy sisters are going to be here on the 21st and then Mary Beth will take DOnna to Lawrence to be with my dad. She will come back and then help me with stuff. I am so grateful she is a real work horse. I think she has the strength physically of my mom. A work horse. I do love projects and miss that so much with Mike. I am spray painting a piece of furniture so I can use it outside. He woul dlove the porch. I can't stop thinking of his these days. I want the sun to shine. I love the story in the bible of how GOd cares so for the sparrow, it is so encouraging to me. I have prayed that the hawks come an nest here again. I look for them.

2008-03-31T20:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just think I can't watch the kids hurt anymore., Mollie tonight was so precious. Her birthday is coming on the 8th. Mike went into the hospital on the day she turned 12. I ran home from the emergency room to do the cake and stay a bit. mark and Margaret set up the tents and cooked on the grill for her and her friends. It was so terrible for her. She was so little and confused. Now she is so grown acting and still it is the nightmare. I got to hole her tonight and just be so sad. We are having some kids for her birthday, the boys are going to grill for her. In her tears she said she just didn't want a birthday. It waas so hard for her to go back to school after the break. It was so good to not have to go and to just be.
I hate to be so sad with the weather when people are flooding and I sit in my dry house. But I am so sick of the grey I could scream.
Please pray specifically for the secondary insruance for TOddm which is the school insurance to pay their part. Now the physical therapy place has not paid so he is not able to continue, It is hours literally on the phone trying to get something done. He is getting collectors sending notes, I have been to the school and of course they are not too concerned with his credit. He has worked so hard to pay and save and not get into financial trouble and now here he is getting collector stuff.. I think it stinks. Michael is trying to work out bills from the staph. I swear, my plan was to be done with all the hospital stuff and dealings with the insurances once I get Mike paid for. Oh no, again it is not my plan, imagine that. It is so frustrating to deal with all these people.
Todd gets to buy a car from so good friends of ours who continue to keep showing Jesus to him so boldly that he has to see. I was going to sell the camry but have decided that I would like MOllie to learn to drive on that camry instead of mine.
Please pray also for Mollie to have the heart to go to this day long retreat for teens dealing with the death of a loved one. I know it would be scary but I have heard so many great things about it. I am trying to decide if I should make her go, I am trying praying.
I am not sleeping well. When I do exercise I sleep better but for the love of me it is like torture to get there. When Michael left today he said ok mom I am meeting you there at 4:30.
Another reason Mollie probly is strugglking is that her concert preformance for choir before they go to Colorado for competition is tomorrow night. One more big thing that he will not be at.
You know the little boy we mension Ira, well he is having a huge GOd surgery. Keep him in prayer. I know some of you do already.
I am so terribly lonely. I am not wanting people at my house tomorrow, it is not like that it is ahole that can't seem to be filled, an ache that is not going away, a longing that just gets darker, a dream that will never be fulfilled, hands that are not held. I am so tired, and I know it is still just the beginning. Every time I come to a new month I think oh no don't come that will mean one more month. 9 months., I could have a baby, (if I could have) I seems impossible to me. I called my friend today to say on a recording, This is the day the Lord has mad rejoice and be glad in it, I told her It is a choice that I just don't care to make today.
I went to a cutting design class today. We did 3 different cuts with probly 3 different techniques in each. It was good for my mind, then came (oh no I don't know how I do this) to work. Mollie came out to the shop, that is always nice. I then cut Michaels hair. He took her to target to get some hose for the choir. Iwas so grateful for the help. Idon't think I really could have taken her after work.