Mollie had a volleyball tournament yesturday, that she didn't tell me about till around 10 the night before. I really wanted to go to it but had planned the day. Being so excited to not get going so early and have a laid back day. So much for that. I enjoyed watching her so much. They won 5out of 6 matches, they played really awesome better then ever. They ended up coming in 3rd. Not too bad and one up from last year I did the dumbest thing last night. I watched a movie friends had told me not to watch for a year or so after Mike's death. I was in the video store and thought oh I should watch that Iheard it was so good. "PS I Love you" I ended up crying till like 3 in the morning. A cry like I have not had in so long. I went donw to Michaels room at around 1 he was asleep but the lights were still on and he had just layed down on the top not yet in for the evening. I crawled in bed with him and cried some more. I think what was so disturbing among many things was how long I looked for a note from Mike thinking surely he wrote me one. Michael said he had so wished for one too. The anger that I felt that he did not do that was horrible. So many friends had told him to leave a note to the kids a friend had even bought birthday cards to make it easy for him. These were friends that ha been left without a father or a spouse. Mike had ity on his list but it did not get done. He was always searching for hte perfect words to say. When it would have been so good to read how much he loves us. He had marked off his list and when I found that There was the part to take me to the BOtanical garden and get his letters written and the statement for the younger kids graduation. I am amazed at the things I do and id dthat I thought so important. I looked at the list and the things he thought so important I sure could have done without some. They were things he wanted to do for us. DOn't get me wrong I am so grateful. It was just hard to watch the movie. I learned alot of things I did that I sure could have done different.
Mollie and I are visiting a friends church with their family today. I miss MIke so much. Last night I didn't think I could hurt so much again. It is so tiring this grieving thing. It hits when you are not ready nor expecting it.
1 comment:
When I lost my dad, then two years later, my mom, I coined the phrase "backpack of grief" (BOG). One never knows how to put it down, when it will suddenly become heavy, somedays lighter, somedays...boom it weighs a ton. Just as you get used to the weight of it, it gets unexpectedly HEAVY...like in the middle of doing something ordinary, all of a sudden the BOG is crippling. I'm guessing that the backpacks feel different for each kind of grief....loss of parents from disease is much different when you are mid 40s than the backpack your kids will carry forever. Not to mention the spousepack, or the loss of a child....hang in there with your BOG.So many of us wish we could wear yours for awhile and give you a rest, but it doesn't work that way. So we cheer you on as we read about you guys and praise the Lord that you are doing so well because of Him.
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