So much time has gone by. It feels like a month since I have written. Grieved by my father but so weary that my sweet friend Kathy has gotten such news of cancer. I love her dearly, hurt for her family, am sick she has to fight this, but confident in her faith that she knows God will care for her and her family. Please I beg you to pray for her. ; She is starting treatment to a fast growing cancer that can pop up in other parts of the brain. The nurse has not seen one like this in the 12 years that she has worked there. She is with awesome doctors.
I have worked like crazy just working and getting ready for the party.
It has been such a hard week for me. I have had anger when the kids borrow things of MIke's, when they don't return them. I like the things right where they are. I see him there and feel him when I touch some of his tools. I go there and find a moment of peace that he was here and did such a wonderful job. I had to get past that, I gave the big guys (saving Samuel things that he would want) all of his stuff. They are working hard at getting their business going and I want them to have it. Debbie worked with me for so long. Brandon had come the day before and had taken a whole truck load and then have taken another. Deb and I cleaned and sorted. I kept the tools that I want, and then we sorted the rest. The pit of my stomach was so weird. Like I was erasing him. I know I wasn't but it felt like that. I am now liking the order of all of it. Feels good to know where everything is. I have plans of my own for the work place. I used to (before marriage) did quite a bit of woodworking, marrying Mike made me think I wasn't very good. Now I think I might start making birdhouses and I have always wanted to do yard art. I see it clearly in my head just need to figure out how to get it out.
Tomorrow Samuel graduates. I am struggling with that. When I come home I know Samuel will be home soon or is already spread out on the sofa. I will really miss him. Mollie and I are starting a new phase, not one that is my favorite. I miss her terribly, she is sorta doing her own thing, I know it is normal but she is a good friend of mine.
Mary Beth and Dave and Hannah got here and helped me. Hannah got all her stuff moved in to stay for the summer. I love that. We picked from our garden and made salad. There is something so great about that. I have a new respect for salad, it is so time consuming to clean. I don't work tomorrow so I can get things ready. Kari and Sue came over to get the low down on where stuff is to go while we are at the ceremony. Michael and Cara ate with us and so did Trevor. I love to have others to eat. I really miss that too.
Mary Beth and I went through some albums to get pictures of dad with the kids and us. For some reason it is so easy to remember him as the dad he was when I was young. He changed so much with his illness. We will go to Lawrence to the Celebration of his life next weekend. Sat at 12 in Lawrence. So many friends and family are coming in. It will be good to think of him. I find myself crying so often these lasts few days. I went to the offices to do Samuels Senior SUnday pictures. You give them the pics and then record about him. He won't be there. Becasue of the memorial day weekend he does not have to work and his friends planned a float trip. He didn't want to go anyway. I decided to go ahead and do it becasue it is not just about him it is about all the wonderful people that helped to raise him. Mike recor=ded th other two boys, I had wanted him to do Samuel and Mollies but he did not do it. I think it was just too hard. I wish he had. I cried and barely made it through. Jeremy said why don't we take a break, I told him it isn't going to get any better I am a crier.
Even in the midst of all this God continues to give me little gifts of His pressence. I am so grateful becasue I need it. I am looking forward to seeing the Goforth clan, it will be good to all be together. Thank you for holding us up. Right now I am not able to pray well and think very well.