Ashley came into town on Friday night. We watched a movie. It was nice, I haven't done that in I can't even remember. It is hard for me to think I can sit that long. We ate pizza and relaxed. I love being with her. I worked on Sat and then in the evening I did some of the pictures for our trip in the kids albums. It felt good to get some of that done. Ashley came home late and we all went to bed. I got up this sunday morning and decided that I would go through all of MIke's cards. I have been saving them, wanting to go throught them again. I think there had to be over a 1000 I quite counting. It was such an encouragement to me. SOme of you wrote so many cards. I think you spent a fortune sending us love. I really loved reading and seeing the names. I now can throw them away. The box has just sat there, me not being able to get rid of it. I found some of the writings that I had wanted. I found the letter MIke wrote to Michael for his graduation. He will love that. Written in his dads hand. Mom Hope wrote so many cards and so did Linda Anderson. I couldn't believe how many she sent MIke. Now both of them are gone. It is so weird. WHat all has gone on in the last two years. Tears are so often, I am isolating some and need to. I am liking being able to just cry around the house.
"For He Himself has said, I will never lewave you nor forsake you." So we may boldly say: "The Lord is my helper: I will not fear" Hebrews 13:5,6
I need to hear those words. Fear of how on earth is all of this true. I love him, I need him here, I feel lost sometimes, like the world is not right. I can't do it all on my own. Things break the gutters were full again and Samuel and I were running out in the rain trying to keep the basemnt from flooding. How many times did Mike empty them? Those things seem so small but believe me they seem like mountains to me.
Mollie is gone, I am glad she went on hte trip, I feel like I can mope more. I worked the most I have ever in my life last week. FOr that I am very grateful. It is the busiest week in my 6. It was good to sit with Brandon and Samuel and explain how the business is growing. Everyday I see how good God is to me. I feel His care on me. When I cry out to Him, I know he is right there with me. I am so glad I see His works in my life. He is so good to show Himself in so many little and big things. I still hurt, can't breath and feel like it is happening all over again. I have not had a hard time picutring Mike in the bed but these days I don't even like the living room, I see him so clearly. I see MOm in my shop, I see LInda in her bed. It is like I am having a brain stick in the dead department. I am trying to realize this too shall pass, it is part of the grief and I have learned it does not go away.
I found cards that I wrote to Mike, ones when he would be struggling and they are now comfort to me, funny how things go around.

THis one card that ezpressed just what I wanted, was so precious to read

I want to live and love with you and be one foever, to be near you so I can reach out and touch you, to make love with you, to talk with you, and be silent with you, to hold you close every night and wakw up with you each morning...I want to share my secrets with you and be honest with you, to understand and respect you, accepting you as you are to find shelter in you when I am afraid and hold you when I need warmth, to be with you through all seasons, walking with you in the sunshine and cuddling you in the cold. I want to care foryou when you are ill and be joyful with you when you are happy, to grow old with you and be with you until the end of time. I want all of these things with you only. I would do all of these things for you only. To you I give all of my love.

I gave that card to MIke on many a Valentines day. To read it now and realize none of it is still possible. It is quit an eye opener. I do love that poem and funny how in there it said I would lvoe to care for him. I really did feel honored to get to take care of him. Ok enough of the going on and on.
Thank you again for the way you have walked this walk with me. For the cards too, they were great the second time through.